busyThe reason that reliability is crucial is precisely because so much depends on it. No one person can do everything, especially in a group. A family functions by dividing up necessary tasks among the available people, hopefully taking into consideration each person's abilities and resources, so that everything will get done by someone who actually has the time and skills to do it right. You have to be able to do your own work in confidence that your relatives will do theirs. You also keep a casual eye on each other so that if something goes wrong -- a child doesn't understand the next step, an elder can no longer do a certain thing, someone gets sick -- it is possible to pick up the slack so that the whole schedule does not get destabilized.
When people are not reliable, family structure (or other social structure) begins to break down. Things that don't get done properly, on time, tend to knock other things out of alignment. A child who doesn't complete the morning routine, and therefore misses the bus, requires a parent to drive them to school, thus causing the parent to arrive late for work. A spouse who doesn't follow through with promised car maintenance allows the car to break down, possibly under another driver. A cook who forgets to thaw the roast makes supper late, upsetting the hungry people who have to wait longer. Unreliability spreads, too. If one family member is chronically unreliable, then that makes it difficult or impossible for other people to be reliable, because they're constantly running behind as they try to make up for all the stuff that person isn't doing right. If multiple people in a household are unreliable, the family usually winds up dysfunctional; that is, it's unable to meet basic needs and responsibilities on a regular basis.
You also have to consider: Reliable for whom? Each person's time, energy, attention, and other resources are finite. We have many responsibilities clamoring for a share of those resources. This requires us to prioritize, and those priorities can be set in a responsible or irresponsible order -- and people will argue over what a "responsible" order really is. But it's really all about what each person considers most important. A couple may be primarily reliable to each other, treating marriage obligations as highest priority, and rearranging other things as necessary. Parents often make their children the highest priority, and will drop any other concern like a hot rock in order to deal with a child-related crisis. Some people put their job in the top slot, guaranteeing their work performance, at the cost of personal and family concerns. Many people juggle things around the top several slots, trying to do the most time-sensitive or crucial things across several areas of responsibility. But when there is a conflict and you must choose between two mutually exclusive activities, your decision reveals your priorities. Sometimes you can delegate, but if they both require your personal presence at the same time, there's no way around that. Nobody can be completely reliable for everyone all the time. Being reliable for one person or obligation makes you potentially unreliable to others, because if there are two simultaneous demands, you have to pick one.
Sometimes, reliability makes people grumble at you. If you have a commitment, and someone else makes an invitation or a request for the same time, turning it down is likely to annoy that person. A good way to handle this is to remind folks that they benefit from your reliability because, once you've made a commitment to do something with them, you won't blow it off to go do something else with another person. This is especially useful if you schedule your free time and/or social commitments on a first-come-first-served basis. Reminding people that you don't skip out on them for trivial reasons can help reduce the complaints when they request your presence for a time when you're not available.
Part of being reliable, then, is being clear about the nature and extent of your reliability. Tell people what your parameters are and what your priorities are. Say things like, "I can supervise this project; I don't have any other major responsibilities right now" or "I can help with this project, but if a family emergency comes up, someone else will have to take over." Be prepared to shift individual things up and down the priority stack over time. For example, when a teenager first gets their driver's license, a parent might say, "If you ever have a problem with the car or you're not sure it's safe for you to drive, call me and I will drop whatever I'm doing to come get you." After a year or so, the teen probably doesn't need that level of backup anymore, and it can be renegotiated to something else. Keep people in your family, and other close areas of your social sphere, informed regarding your various commitments and obligations. If they know that you have a new baby, a dependent elder, or a rush job at work then people will be -- or at least should be -- less inclined to make extra requests. When you have a little extra time or energy, look around you for relatives or friends who are floundering, and ask if you can help them.
In the end, reliability makes you a person that other people can depend on, so they value you in their lives. The more reliable you are, the more likely you are to have people available when you're the one who needs help, and the less likely you are to experience sudden mishaps because something didn't get done properly. This makes your family life smoother and more pleasant. If you realize that reliability is not something your family currently practices, working to improve that will give you a lot of bang for your buck.
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Thoughts
January 22 2010, 02:57:03 UTC 11 years ago
Have you tried a tactile reminder? Basically you estimate how much time/energy you have available, divide it into units, and assign a poker chip (or whatever) per unit. When someone asks you to do something, you give them an appropriate number of "favor chips" -- and when you run out of chips, then you know that you've reached your safe limit of commitment for that time period.
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Re: Thoughts
January 22 2010, 18:28:22 UTC 11 years ago
http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf
Many people find that having something tangible to manipulate makes it easier to keep track of intangibles. This is one reason cash was invented. It's also why I prefer to manage my personal spending with cash -- I make far fewer mistakes when I have the paper money to handle. Obligations I often track by writing them on my desk calendar; if a day starts looking really full, then I need to stop and think whether I'm overbooking myself.
I don't know what system would necessarily work well for you, but you could experiment and maybe find something that would at least reduce the amount and frequency of the overshoot.
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Re: Thoughts
11 years ago
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Thank you!
January 22 2010, 02:57:22 UTC 11 years ago
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Re: Thank you!
January 22 2010, 04:45:19 UTC 11 years ago
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Re: Thank you!
11 years ago
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Re: Thank you!
11 years ago
OT, but have you seen this?
January 22 2010, 00:43:18 UTC 11 years ago
January 22 2010, 00:49:53 UTC 11 years ago
Yes, please!
January 22 2010, 02:53:51 UTC 11 years ago
Re: Yes, please!
January 22 2010, 03:25:31 UTC 11 years ago
January 22 2010, 02:41:15 UTC 11 years ago
Thoughts
January 22 2010, 03:00:23 UTC 11 years ago
When people reach their teens, they start looking beyond their parents for role models, so they are often more open to input from other adults. It's a good time for forming close relationships with an aunt or uncle, or some other mentor.