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Poem: "Shumáad Delineha - Space Flight" - The Wordsmith's Forge
The Writing & Other Projects of Elizabeth Barrette
ysabetwordsmith
ysabetwordsmith
Poem: "Shumáad Delineha - Space Flight"
Today's freebie poem was inspired by a prompt from haikujaguar ... and by Láadan, a language invented by ozarque. I'm not sure if my use of the grammar and vocabulary is quite perfect, and the translation is inexact since Láadan handles words rather differently than English, but I really had fun writing this. You can browse Láadan lessons and vocabulary online here.


Shumáad Delineha



Bíilan melolin with ranileha we.
Nashumáad yo.
Mehéedá with áwithethath.
“Bó il!” medi with.
Mehil áwith.
Mesháadehul óoyahonetha yulomathath.
Meshumáad óoyatha.

Bíi le dáanashoná wa.
Bíi ril ozh le wa.
Be aríli ozh le we.


* * *

Space Flight



Rejoice! I have dreamed:
The women gather outside.
A spaceship takes off.
The women lift their girl babies.
“Look!” say the women.
The girl babies look.
Their minds grow wings.
Their hearts fly.

I am a poet.
I dream in the present.
I will dream in the distant future.

---------------------------------------

EDIT 11/7/09: Here is a revised version, thanks to input from amjbarnhart regarding the Láadan.


Shumáad Delineha



Bíilan melolin with ranileha we.
Nashumáad yo.
Mehéedá with áwith benethath.
"Bó il na!" medi with.
Mehil áwith.
Mesháadehul óoyahonetha yulomathath.
Meshumáad óoyatha.

Bíi le dáanashoná wa.
Bíi ril ozh le wa.
Be aríli ozh le we.


* * *

Space Flight



Rejoice! I have dreamed:
The women gather outside.
A spaceship takes off.
The women lift their girl babies.
“Look, lovey!” say the women.
The girl babies look.
Their minds grow wings.
Their hearts fly.

I am a poet.
I dream in the present.
I will dream in the distant future.

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Current Mood: pleased pleased

4 comments or Leave a comment
Comments
amjbarnhart From: amjbarnhart Date: November 4th, 2009 04:25 pm (UTC) (Link)
Wil sha, Elizabeth.

The Láadan needs a little work.

Third line: Mehéedá with áwithethath.
should read: Mehéedá with áwith bethath.

The command form requires a subject, unlike English.
Fourth line: “Bó il!” medi with.
should read: "Bó il na!" medi with.
I've used the "beloved" inflection on the subject.

There's a recently-coined verb, náwí (to grow), which you couldn't have known, but it affects the sixth line.
Sixth line: Mesháadehul óoyahonetha yulomathath.
should read: Menáwí óoyahonetha benetha yulomaheth.

I love the last line in Láadan: I dream that in the far future I shall dream.
ysabetwordsmith From: ysabetwordsmith Date: November 7th, 2009 05:37 pm (UTC) (Link)

Thank you!

I really appreciate the input. I have made the first two changes already.

Regarding the second change, I was considering náwí, but wasn't sure from its etymology ("continue to" + "life") that it fit. I wanted something that would imply expansion or sprouting or transformation. I chose sháadehul ("growth through transcendence") because it seemed like the better fit for mental fledging, and there doesn't seem to be a strong distinction between noun and verb forms since náwí is listed both for "growth" and "grow" on the website.

Can you expand your thoughts on náwí being a better fit in that line?

I'm glad you enjoyed the last line!
amjbarnhart From: amjbarnhart Date: November 7th, 2009 07:54 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Thank you!

Oops! I should check my facts before offering corrections. I failed to recognize sháadehul as "growth through transendence", instead seeing only "go/come to an extreme degree". In this setting I perceive no advantage to "náwí" over "sháadehul".

2nd oops: in the first correction I offered, I forgot to pluralize "bethath" to "benethath" (of them (many)). Sorry.

Amberwind
ysabetwordsmith From: ysabetwordsmith Date: November 11th, 2009 07:22 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Thank you!

Okay, I'll make the last change of "bethath" to "benethath" and announce the final version.

Besides, if xenolinguistics were too easy, it wouldn't be as impressive or as fun. Same with poetry -- I like doing the challenging stuff.
4 comments or Leave a comment