thoughtfulEfforts to make isms into wasms frequently bog down because the game is rigged. The isms have all built arrays of Catch-22 traps that would make old Grimtooth proud. For example:
If a woman is sexually enthusiastic, she's considered a slut.
If a woman is sexually unenthusiasic, she's considered frigid.
If a man tries to treat a woman like a lady (such as opening doors, paying for the date, etc.) then he's considered sexist.
If a man tries to treat a woman like he would treat another man (expecting her to do all that stuff for herself) then he's considered unromantic.
If a dark-skinned person speaks out against a racist incident, that's considered "being hostile."
If a dark-skinned person doesn't speak out against a racist incident, that's considered "being okay with it."
If a fair-skinned person writes/draws/sings about dark-skinned characters/traditions/objects/beliefs/ideas, that's considered "cultural misappropriation."
If a fair-skinned person does not write/draw/sing about dark-skinned characters/traditions/objects/beliefs/ideas, that's considered "making people of color invisible."
There is no unmarked case. There is no way to win. Everything you do will be considered wrong. Somebody will always wind up criticizing you no matter what you do; someone will always feel that they have a right to butt in and condemn you and what you're doing and your whole worldview, and to tell you what you ought to be doing instead and why your opinions or experiences are irrelevant. The system is designed that way.
Why is it designed that way?
Because we built it like that. The human species, across our widely assorted cultures, has built so many examples of rigged games run by advantaged groups that when a group looks around for examples, that's pretty much what they see -- so then they build a new game rigged in their favor, because it looks like that's how cultural games are supposed to be built here.
There is a very human tempation, when one has been harassed and stepped on, to get even when one has the upper hand. A bunch of women together will gripe about how awful men are; a bunch of men together will gripe about how awful women are. How many times will a woman listen to men criticize her sexuality before she tells them to go hang, and pulls her battery-operated boyfriend out of the drawer? How many times will a man try to navigate the rocky shoals of pleasing women before he gives up and hires a professional? Fair-skinned people will leverage things so that the work of fixing race dynamics is the responsibility of dark-skinned people. Dark-skinned people will clump together and stomp on fair-skinned people who try to touch the issue of race dynamics. How many times will a dark-skinned person try to handle the hot topic before throwing up their hands and letting it lie there in a steaming reeking pile? How many times will a fair-skinned person try to find a delicate way of discussing matters before giving up to duck and cover? Some people have the determination to keep going, but a lot of people don't, and even the ones who keep going get tired sometimes. That all creates a lot of inertia against change.
What can you do? The game is rigged. Dismantling any part of it is very difficult, and the blasted thing is self-repairing. It's like the Terminator -- you pretty much have to blow it in half and then lure the twitching bits into an industrial press to make it stop moving.
One thing that helps is simply recognizing that it's a system designed to create failure. When there is no safe path -- una salus victus. Don't hope for safety. Just try to get through the hazardous terrain, and when you have the opportunity, do what you can to make it a little less hazardous for those who come after.
Another thing that helps is knowledge. Study how the human mind works, how human cultures work, and as many versions of history as you can get your hands on. Understand what is happening, where it's coming from, and you will be better equipped to handle it.
Realize that we are all only human. We make mistakes. But when someone is honestly trying to do a right thing -- even if they botch it -- try to give them credit for making the effort. Otherwise, why should anyone try? The systems of oppression are designed to teach people not to try, but that too can fail. We can make it fail by giving others, and ourselves, a chance to work through the tangles.
Accept that you will get tired, that you will not always have the energy to do the patient thing or the gracious thing or anything at all. If possible, stop and take a break. Step back from the controversy for a while. If you're stuck in the midst of it, then just keep going as best you can, and even if things crash and burn all around you, at least you will know that you did the best you could with what you had.
Seek allies along the path, those who are like you and those who are different. Help them in their struggles so they may help your in yours. Watch for the patterns, learn, and take comfort in each other's companionship.
Believe that there is more to the world than conflict and controversy. For humans can be as sublime as we are vile, and virtue is our guiding star through all shadow.
Part 1 (this is the first time I've exceeded comment limit!)
August 9 2009, 07:14:11 UTC 11 years ago
Here are some quotes from the OP's post and comments:
This post is advocating that if a white person stops caring (about trying to fight racism) because they are criticized (for doing or saying something racist), it's totally fine and understandable (it's a fact that
white peoplehumans just can't be expected to not be selfish and cruel!), and people of color should not get mad. Because white people's honest belief that they actually did a great job, even if that is not true, should be protected. Because if they tried, it doesn't matter if they utterly failed. People of color should "give them credit for making the effort."Maybe that would make sense if we were talking about, like, a three-year-old trying to draw a pony, and the consequences of messing up are... a crappy drawing of a pony. But dude, we're grown-ups, and racism is about people of color's lives. Do you see how this advice is all about protecting white people from ever having to realize that they are racist? Do you see how the unspoken threat is that if people of color don't want their allies to abandon them, they better shut up, and yes, swallow the hurt in silence?
But I also know that not speaking means no change. We have a saying, "silence=death". Because of people speaking up, risking being raped and killed, losing jobs and being cast out of their families, those dangers have lessened over the years.
Yeah, definitely. Don't you think it's pretty annoying when straight people are all like, "What? You're criticizing me for saying [blah blah something horribly homophobic]? HOW DARE YOU. I AM NOT A HOMOPHOBE. I tried to be tolerant but I guess you don't want my help! Fine! I give up!!" Maybe no one's said that to you, but it would suck if they did, right? They would sound like they think being criticized is worse than being homophobic. They wouldn't sound like any kind of ally worth wasting your time on.
Re: Part 1 (this is the first time I've exceeded comment limit!)
August 9 2009, 20:12:40 UTC 11 years ago
I find it harder to deal with this, emotionally anyway, coming from a gay person than a straight one. The gay person knows what it's like to have the world pretend you don't exist, you don't matter--so why would they turn around and do that to someone else?
Sigh.
As to your exact question, if someone is totally offended that I think they are a homophobe, and I think their offense is honest, then I probably do want them as an ally.
If they are really offended, that tells me that they are probably not homophobic, and that they didn't mean to offend or hurt anyone. When that's true, it generally means that they don't want to do it again.
But they're doomed to do it again if they don't learn something from our encounter.
I have had lesson after lesson in this life in just how different people are--not in visible stuff like skin color or who they are attracted to, but in how their brains work. Things that are obvious to me are often obscure to other people, and I can't count the number of times I've gotten into trouble for "deliberately ignoring" something that was obvious to someone else, but not to me. And even people whose brains work similarly can have learned different definitions and different associations for various words and phrases.
My parents were once arguing about how to fix a window. They happened to be standing in the hallway, blocking both the doorway to the living room and the hallway to the kitchen. The argument was so heated that I went outside and all the way around the house to get to the kitchen, rather than walk between them. Eventually, they figured out that they were both advocating doing exactly the same thing to the window--but using different words!
It doesn't have to be about race for someone to say something that they mean to be supportive, and have a listener think they mean something totally different.
If someone's words are homophobic, but they didn't mean them that way, I know that in a one-on-one conversation I stand a good chance of explaining it to them. Which means I have a chance to make the world a little safer, a chance to keep this one person from hurting someone else, accidentally.
They may never become allies who can speak gracefully in public for the cause, but private speech matters too. And allies can also help in other ways. Donations, for instance, or practical help. Even understanding the nice-sounding words politicians use to indicate that they're unfriendly to queer causes can change the way someone votes in an election (like "pro-family").
I think the thing that has affected me the most about Martin Luther King's teachings is that when someone hits you, it can hurt your cause for you to hit back. As a child with a very quick temper, it astounded me that people could bring themselves, while being beaten, to just quietly sit down and hunch around their faces, hands, and bellies instead of yelling or hitting back. But it worked! Facing violence with non-violence, standing up and speaking up (and then, if necessary, sitting down) for the cause worked!
I think this lesson also applies when people use words that hurt me. Yes, it's important for me to stand up for what's right, to correct misconceptions and express my feelings and experiences. But it's also important to not use my words as a weapon, to not use my words to hit back.
And often that doesn't seem fair! But it was hugely not fair for people to have to sit, nonviolent, while being beaten.
Remembering those heroes helps me to stick to my resolve to do my best when I do get a chance, in some small way, to reduce the amount of prejudice in the world.