thoughtfulEfforts to make isms into wasms frequently bog down because the game is rigged. The isms have all built arrays of Catch-22 traps that would make old Grimtooth proud. For example:
If a woman is sexually enthusiastic, she's considered a slut.
If a woman is sexually unenthusiasic, she's considered frigid.
If a man tries to treat a woman like a lady (such as opening doors, paying for the date, etc.) then he's considered sexist.
If a man tries to treat a woman like he would treat another man (expecting her to do all that stuff for herself) then he's considered unromantic.
If a dark-skinned person speaks out against a racist incident, that's considered "being hostile."
If a dark-skinned person doesn't speak out against a racist incident, that's considered "being okay with it."
If a fair-skinned person writes/draws/sings about dark-skinned characters/traditions/objects/beliefs/ideas, that's considered "cultural misappropriation."
If a fair-skinned person does not write/draw/sing about dark-skinned characters/traditions/objects/beliefs/ideas, that's considered "making people of color invisible."
There is no unmarked case. There is no way to win. Everything you do will be considered wrong. Somebody will always wind up criticizing you no matter what you do; someone will always feel that they have a right to butt in and condemn you and what you're doing and your whole worldview, and to tell you what you ought to be doing instead and why your opinions or experiences are irrelevant. The system is designed that way.
Why is it designed that way?
Because we built it like that. The human species, across our widely assorted cultures, has built so many examples of rigged games run by advantaged groups that when a group looks around for examples, that's pretty much what they see -- so then they build a new game rigged in their favor, because it looks like that's how cultural games are supposed to be built here.
There is a very human tempation, when one has been harassed and stepped on, to get even when one has the upper hand. A bunch of women together will gripe about how awful men are; a bunch of men together will gripe about how awful women are. How many times will a woman listen to men criticize her sexuality before she tells them to go hang, and pulls her battery-operated boyfriend out of the drawer? How many times will a man try to navigate the rocky shoals of pleasing women before he gives up and hires a professional? Fair-skinned people will leverage things so that the work of fixing race dynamics is the responsibility of dark-skinned people. Dark-skinned people will clump together and stomp on fair-skinned people who try to touch the issue of race dynamics. How many times will a dark-skinned person try to handle the hot topic before throwing up their hands and letting it lie there in a steaming reeking pile? How many times will a fair-skinned person try to find a delicate way of discussing matters before giving up to duck and cover? Some people have the determination to keep going, but a lot of people don't, and even the ones who keep going get tired sometimes. That all creates a lot of inertia against change.
What can you do? The game is rigged. Dismantling any part of it is very difficult, and the blasted thing is self-repairing. It's like the Terminator -- you pretty much have to blow it in half and then lure the twitching bits into an industrial press to make it stop moving.
One thing that helps is simply recognizing that it's a system designed to create failure. When there is no safe path -- una salus victus. Don't hope for safety. Just try to get through the hazardous terrain, and when you have the opportunity, do what you can to make it a little less hazardous for those who come after.
Another thing that helps is knowledge. Study how the human mind works, how human cultures work, and as many versions of history as you can get your hands on. Understand what is happening, where it's coming from, and you will be better equipped to handle it.
Realize that we are all only human. We make mistakes. But when someone is honestly trying to do a right thing -- even if they botch it -- try to give them credit for making the effort. Otherwise, why should anyone try? The systems of oppression are designed to teach people not to try, but that too can fail. We can make it fail by giving others, and ourselves, a chance to work through the tangles.
Accept that you will get tired, that you will not always have the energy to do the patient thing or the gracious thing or anything at all. If possible, stop and take a break. Step back from the controversy for a while. If you're stuck in the midst of it, then just keep going as best you can, and even if things crash and burn all around you, at least you will know that you did the best you could with what you had.
Seek allies along the path, those who are like you and those who are different. Help them in their struggles so they may help your in yours. Watch for the patterns, learn, and take comfort in each other's companionship.
Believe that there is more to the world than conflict and controversy. For humans can be as sublime as we are vile, and virtue is our guiding star through all shadow.
Re: Thoughts
August 4 2009, 21:09:03 UTC 11 years ago
I do agree that asking you to swallow your hurt in silence would be an awful thing to ask.
As to spending your life teaching people the same things over and over, I totally agree that you should have the right to not need to do so.
However, each person must learn things individually. And life being what it is, there will always be gaps in everyone's knowledge, even on issues we care passionately about.
If you will indulge me in an imperfect analogy, I would appreciate it, since I have experiences that are, in some ways, similar to yours. (I am not trying to equate our lives here, just to find enough similarity to, hopefully, allow us to understand each others' lives and words better.)
I don't live in, and will never get to live in, a world where I can explain being queer just once and be done with it. I, too, get frustrated when someone obviously needs to hear something I've said over and over.
But I also know that not speaking means no change. We have a saying, "silence=death". Because of people speaking up, risking being raped and killed, losing jobs and being cast out of their families, those dangers have lessened over the years.
Also, I know how valuable allies are to the work being done to correct prejudice against GLBT people. It has been and still is very important that these straight people speak up in person and in public.
The thing is, I know that most of them became allies only after someone (usually more than once) sat down with them one-on-one, to say things that had been said a dozen or a hundred or a thousand times before.
No, you should not have to do that on race issues. Yes, you should get to simply get on with your own life.
In an ideal world, no one would have to put their own life on hold for an hour or three to explain things for the hundredth time. But we don't live in an ideal world, and people do need to learn some things one-on-one, from someone that they like, respect, and trust. Therefore, it is important work.
It is, of course, your choice as to whether it is your work.
As to your potential allies, I know that sometimes white people care about race issues very much, but are afraid to speak up, especially in public, because they see such a huge amount of criticism and anger directed at people who do try to be allies. Perhaps they are simply afraid of facing a storm of emotion caused by a chain of events that started before they were even born. Perhaps they feel their voice is useless because they are not completely educated on the issues. Perhaps they fear that in trying to make things better, they will instead cause more pain and stress for the very people they want to help.
Now, I can't answer your concern as to it's worth the effort it would take for you to welcome these people to stand up with you. Like I said, it's an imperfect analogy.
But GLBT people did not reduce the prejudices against us by becoming a majority, we did it by welcoming the people who wanted to be allies and by working to find additional allies and make them feel welcome. Oh, there was (and is) some yelling too--but I think that consistently extended hands of friendship won over a lot more people.
I can't judge whether my analogy speaks to whether people of color need allies in the same way GLBT people need them. Like I said, I knew from the start that it's an imperfect analogy.
But I hope me sharing this bit of my experience gives you a basis to understand why I think it is important for me to take time from my life to, yet again, say things I've already said over and over, when I find someone whose life and experiences have been very different from mine, but who nonetheless is willing to listen. Someone who might or might not become a vocal ally, but who at least may become a friend.
And why I very much appreciate the eforts of people of color who are willing to similarly take time, to have one-on-one conversations, to share their lives and explain their concerns.
Part 2
August 9 2009, 07:16:11 UTC 11 years ago
But... if white people feel that way, they shouldn't speak in public about race issues! Like I said, I'm white, and I used to think all those things, and those are the thoughts of someone who is very uneducated on race and white privilege and how to be an ally. The first step to learning about race, as a white person, is to STFU and listen. A person of color never educated me personally; I just lurked around the internet, reading essays that have already been written & reading the reactions to posts like this one. I had great intentions, but I was ignorant, and I probably would have said a bunch of hurtful racist shit if I had spoken up. (As it was, I let a bunch of hurtful, racist shit go unchallenged... you have to balance "STFU and listen" with the fact that while we can decide not to deal with racism, people of color never can. That's white privilege right there. Don't use being uneducated as an excuse not to do anything -- go educate yourself.)
This post is saying that a totally ignorant white person should have the right to say hurtful, racist shit in public without ever getting criticized. Apart from the toll this takes on PoC (which is the most important thing), if people followed this, I would never have realized that I had more to learn.
And actually? In my experience, people of color *are* welcoming to white people who try to be allies. They are incredibly patient; they explain things. One problem with the tone argument (i.e. people would listen if only you were nicer) is that it's a totally unfair demand and racism itself is rude and violent. The other problem is that people of color can try as hard as they can to be polite and assume good intentions, but they will always (ALWAYS) get told to be nicer (see here (http://zvi-likes-tv.livejournal.com/429092.html?thread=1548836#t1548836)). It's not helpful advice, it's a defensive reaction to take the focus off the white person's racism and put it on the PoC.
But GLBT people did not reduce the prejudices against us by becoming a majority, we did it by welcoming the people who wanted to be allies and by working to find additional allies and make them feel welcome. Oh, there was (and is) some yelling too--but I think that consistently extended hands of friendship won over a lot more people.
You know about the Civil Rights movement, right? Have you ever read MLK's Letter from a Birmingham Jail (http://www.africa.upenn.edu/Articles_Gen/Letter_Birmingham.html)? Sometimes "allies" do more harm than good.
If you want to start learning, try these links:
http://fixracism.com/ (5 ways to end racism)
Baby-stepping away from racism: A guide for white people (http://paradox-dragon.livejournal.com/52963.html)
Re: Part 2
August 9 2009, 17:43:28 UTC 11 years ago
As to the original post, I don't see the original poster as saying it's OK to give up--I see her primary point as being that feeling discouraged is understandable. Feelings and actions are not the same thing, and "giving up" is an action. She also observes that some people do give up, but IMHO she does not advocate doing so. In contrast, she spends a lot of words on how to not let these feelings have the final say.
After a lot of words about the things that can discourage someone, and how to keep your spirits up anyway, she says, "then just keep going as best you can." If she was advocating that white people should just return to an all-white world and hide behind white privilege, then there would be no need to talk about feeling attacked and reviled and discouraged, and how to "keep going" anyway.
__________________
As to critiques and tone, in other situations I've seen plenty of times where the tone of a critique makes a huge difference in whether someone hears the substance of said critique.
Mostly, anger creates defensiveness, which creates a situation where the substance is not thought about, just reflexively rejected. (I don't like this fact, but in my experience, it's is a predictable part of human nature: Most of the time, someone automatically and forcibly rejects something--anything--that they perceive as attacking them. They might attack back or shield, but either way they don't listen.)
In contrast, I have also seen plenty of instances where it was the anger itself which got a particular person to notice that there's a problem and to believe it's important enough that they should stop whatever they're doing long enough to listen.
These experiences make me strongly doubt the idea that tone doesn't matter when talking about racism.
Certainly, I don't think that POC (or anyone else) should never express their anger, their frustration, and so on. That's just another way that silence=death.
And I also think that the "nicest" way to express feelings is often ineffective; I do not advocate always trying to be "nice".
Because it does matter how feelings are expressed. It matters a lot.
I think that the most effective expressions of anger are the ones where the speaker's feelings are made clear, but are not phrased as an attack on the person or people they are speaking to. The ones that get the listener, no matter how different that listener's own experiences have been, to empathize with the speaker--to feel that anger with the speaker, knowing in their heart that the anger is justified.
Anger is a very powerful emotion. Anger is the emotion that says something's wrong, that it has to change! Expressed, anger can help change things that are very well-entrenched. But it should be used carefully. It's worse than wasted if it's used in a way that reinforces the things that one is, with good reason, angry about.