thoughtfulEfforts to make isms into wasms frequently bog down because the game is rigged. The isms have all built arrays of Catch-22 traps that would make old Grimtooth proud. For example:
If a woman is sexually enthusiastic, she's considered a slut.
If a woman is sexually unenthusiasic, she's considered frigid.
If a man tries to treat a woman like a lady (such as opening doors, paying for the date, etc.) then he's considered sexist.
If a man tries to treat a woman like he would treat another man (expecting her to do all that stuff for herself) then he's considered unromantic.
If a dark-skinned person speaks out against a racist incident, that's considered "being hostile."
If a dark-skinned person doesn't speak out against a racist incident, that's considered "being okay with it."
If a fair-skinned person writes/draws/sings about dark-skinned characters/traditions/objects/beliefs/ideas, that's considered "cultural misappropriation."
If a fair-skinned person does not write/draw/sing about dark-skinned characters/traditions/objects/beliefs/ideas, that's considered "making people of color invisible."
There is no unmarked case. There is no way to win. Everything you do will be considered wrong. Somebody will always wind up criticizing you no matter what you do; someone will always feel that they have a right to butt in and condemn you and what you're doing and your whole worldview, and to tell you what you ought to be doing instead and why your opinions or experiences are irrelevant. The system is designed that way.
Why is it designed that way?
Because we built it like that. The human species, across our widely assorted cultures, has built so many examples of rigged games run by advantaged groups that when a group looks around for examples, that's pretty much what they see -- so then they build a new game rigged in their favor, because it looks like that's how cultural games are supposed to be built here.
There is a very human tempation, when one has been harassed and stepped on, to get even when one has the upper hand. A bunch of women together will gripe about how awful men are; a bunch of men together will gripe about how awful women are. How many times will a woman listen to men criticize her sexuality before she tells them to go hang, and pulls her battery-operated boyfriend out of the drawer? How many times will a man try to navigate the rocky shoals of pleasing women before he gives up and hires a professional? Fair-skinned people will leverage things so that the work of fixing race dynamics is the responsibility of dark-skinned people. Dark-skinned people will clump together and stomp on fair-skinned people who try to touch the issue of race dynamics. How many times will a dark-skinned person try to handle the hot topic before throwing up their hands and letting it lie there in a steaming reeking pile? How many times will a fair-skinned person try to find a delicate way of discussing matters before giving up to duck and cover? Some people have the determination to keep going, but a lot of people don't, and even the ones who keep going get tired sometimes. That all creates a lot of inertia against change.
What can you do? The game is rigged. Dismantling any part of it is very difficult, and the blasted thing is self-repairing. It's like the Terminator -- you pretty much have to blow it in half and then lure the twitching bits into an industrial press to make it stop moving.
One thing that helps is simply recognizing that it's a system designed to create failure. When there is no safe path -- una salus victus. Don't hope for safety. Just try to get through the hazardous terrain, and when you have the opportunity, do what you can to make it a little less hazardous for those who come after.
Another thing that helps is knowledge. Study how the human mind works, how human cultures work, and as many versions of history as you can get your hands on. Understand what is happening, where it's coming from, and you will be better equipped to handle it.
Realize that we are all only human. We make mistakes. But when someone is honestly trying to do a right thing -- even if they botch it -- try to give them credit for making the effort. Otherwise, why should anyone try? The systems of oppression are designed to teach people not to try, but that too can fail. We can make it fail by giving others, and ourselves, a chance to work through the tangles.
Accept that you will get tired, that you will not always have the energy to do the patient thing or the gracious thing or anything at all. If possible, stop and take a break. Step back from the controversy for a while. If you're stuck in the midst of it, then just keep going as best you can, and even if things crash and burn all around you, at least you will know that you did the best you could with what you had.
Seek allies along the path, those who are like you and those who are different. Help them in their struggles so they may help your in yours. Watch for the patterns, learn, and take comfort in each other's companionship.
Believe that there is more to the world than conflict and controversy. For humans can be as sublime as we are vile, and virtue is our guiding star through all shadow.
Re: Thoughts
August 4 2009, 21:09:03 UTC 11 years ago
I do agree that asking you to swallow your hurt in silence would be an awful thing to ask.
As to spending your life teaching people the same things over and over, I totally agree that you should have the right to not need to do so.
However, each person must learn things individually. And life being what it is, there will always be gaps in everyone's knowledge, even on issues we care passionately about.
If you will indulge me in an imperfect analogy, I would appreciate it, since I have experiences that are, in some ways, similar to yours. (I am not trying to equate our lives here, just to find enough similarity to, hopefully, allow us to understand each others' lives and words better.)
I don't live in, and will never get to live in, a world where I can explain being queer just once and be done with it. I, too, get frustrated when someone obviously needs to hear something I've said over and over.
But I also know that not speaking means no change. We have a saying, "silence=death". Because of people speaking up, risking being raped and killed, losing jobs and being cast out of their families, those dangers have lessened over the years.
Also, I know how valuable allies are to the work being done to correct prejudice against GLBT people. It has been and still is very important that these straight people speak up in person and in public.
The thing is, I know that most of them became allies only after someone (usually more than once) sat down with them one-on-one, to say things that had been said a dozen or a hundred or a thousand times before.
No, you should not have to do that on race issues. Yes, you should get to simply get on with your own life.
In an ideal world, no one would have to put their own life on hold for an hour or three to explain things for the hundredth time. But we don't live in an ideal world, and people do need to learn some things one-on-one, from someone that they like, respect, and trust. Therefore, it is important work.
It is, of course, your choice as to whether it is your work.
As to your potential allies, I know that sometimes white people care about race issues very much, but are afraid to speak up, especially in public, because they see such a huge amount of criticism and anger directed at people who do try to be allies. Perhaps they are simply afraid of facing a storm of emotion caused by a chain of events that started before they were even born. Perhaps they feel their voice is useless because they are not completely educated on the issues. Perhaps they fear that in trying to make things better, they will instead cause more pain and stress for the very people they want to help.
Now, I can't answer your concern as to it's worth the effort it would take for you to welcome these people to stand up with you. Like I said, it's an imperfect analogy.
But GLBT people did not reduce the prejudices against us by becoming a majority, we did it by welcoming the people who wanted to be allies and by working to find additional allies and make them feel welcome. Oh, there was (and is) some yelling too--but I think that consistently extended hands of friendship won over a lot more people.
I can't judge whether my analogy speaks to whether people of color need allies in the same way GLBT people need them. Like I said, I knew from the start that it's an imperfect analogy.
But I hope me sharing this bit of my experience gives you a basis to understand why I think it is important for me to take time from my life to, yet again, say things I've already said over and over, when I find someone whose life and experiences have been very different from mine, but who nonetheless is willing to listen. Someone who might or might not become a vocal ally, but who at least may become a friend.
And why I very much appreciate the eforts of people of color who are willing to similarly take time, to have one-on-one conversations, to share their lives and explain their concerns.
Re: Thoughts
August 5 2009, 15:56:56 UTC 11 years ago
Re: Thoughts
August 6 2009, 00:33:44 UTC 11 years ago
But it's like being queer and Pagan (I am both). You get one person with more than one area to be disrespected in, and each impacts a person's life in a variety of ways. My personal experience is that the ways the two affect a person are mostly (but not all) similar; but I also know that other people's experience is not necessarily the same. Being female is another area where I have experienced prejudice, and again, the experience has been similar in some but not all ways, at least for me.
I haven't talked to many queer people of color about how they experience the prejudices they face from being queer as compared to how they experience the prejudices they face being people of color. So I don't assume I know how similar or different it is for them.
Also, the knowledge I do have, from people I know personally or have read, might or might not match the experience of the person I was talking to. After all, I know very little about him/her other than that his/her impression of the original poster's meaning and intent was very different from mine.
Therefore I wanted to stick to one topic, and to be clear that I was speaking from my own experiences. I also wanted to be very clear that I am not assuming his/her experience is the same as mine.
Does that help you to understand where I'm coming from, a little?
Re: Thoughts
August 6 2009, 02:34:55 UTC 11 years ago
Prejudice: individual act of discrimination because of a particular trait.
Homophobia: institutional and/or personal acts of discrimination based on a person`s sexual orientation, which may or may not be visible to the casual observer, and which is very often not a constant factor in someone`s daily life - especially in urban 21st Century America. As a queer white woman in LA, I experience direct homophobia pretty much never, other than the fact that they keep annulling my marriage, and our health insurance is wicked expensive.
Racism: Unrelenting systemic, institutional, cultural and/or personal acts of discrimination based on hundreds of years of white oppression, enslavement, murder, dehumanization, exotification, imperialism, theft from, and exploitation of people of color. The commonly accepted definition of racism is prejudice plus institutional power. People of color are affected by racism every day, all the time, in a myriad number of ways that white people could never imagine.
You may experience prejudice, sexism, or homophobia (though let`s be serious here, I have never heard of anyone being pulled over for Driving While Wiccan), but you have not and will never know what it is like to experience racism. Racism is not "just like" being queer and pagan. To casually presume otherwise is an act of extreme, offensive privilege.
Speaking as if being queer and being POC are mutually exclusive completely erases the reality of queer POC and minimizes racism, especially the rampant racism within the queer community. This is another act of privilege.
Demanding that POC cater to the delicate sensibilities of white people, that they be available for offensive, repetitive, ignorant "teaching moments" on demand, but of course all without the slightest hint of anger or frustration (OHAI the Tone Argument), then justifying your demands with a tired "but I am just as oppressed as you are, why can"t you validate meeee?" is privilege on an epic scale.
Does that help you to understand where I am coming from, a little?
Re: Thoughts
August 6 2009, 06:16:39 UTC 11 years ago
I--No. I should stop.
I very much want an end to racism, and to prejudice of all types, institutionalized and individual. I hope I can in some way help to end it or at least reduce it in my lifetime.
My reasons do include having experienced prejudice in my own life, even though my experiences have not been as severe or scary as many others. However, I do not have to have personally experienced all forms of institutionalized and individual prejudice to know it is wrong and to want to be a part of stopping it.
I do not think it is unique, or original, or even interesting to want to end racism and other forms of prejudice. But it is right.
As to sounding like a textbook, I was raised by English teachers. I've been teased all my life for sounding like one (except at jobs where that's part of why they hired me).
I am sorry my words distressed you--both you, epilady, and you, any other reader out there who feels the same.
I do not demand anyone's time, especially on this topic. (This includes "I do not demand any reply to these words".) But I do appreciate it when people choose to gift me with a bit of their time.
Thank you for taking time from your life to write to me.
And again, my apologies.
Re: Thoughts
August 6 2009, 06:26:08 UTC 11 years ago
It is the custom in this blog to treat other people's opinions and perspectives with respect. You don't have to agree with them, but it's not acceptable to dismiss them or make personal attacks. I'm glad that this thread has people so interested. I'd like the discussion to stay civil.
Re: Thoughts
August 6 2009, 06:34:05 UTC 11 years ago