Why is this game rigged?

I don't see this post as advocating people should stop caring, or even stop speaking, because they are criticized. And I certainly don't see it asking people of color, or anyone for that matter, to "swallow the hurt in silence"!

I do agree that asking you to swallow your hurt in silence would be an awful thing to ask.

As to spending your life teaching people the same things over and over, I totally agree that you should have the right to not need to do so.

However, each person must learn things individually. And life being what it is, there will always be gaps in everyone's knowledge, even on issues we care passionately about.

If you will indulge me in an imperfect analogy, I would appreciate it, since I have experiences that are, in some ways, similar to yours. (I am not trying to equate our lives here, just to find enough similarity to, hopefully, allow us to understand each others' lives and words better.)

I don't live in, and will never get to live in, a world where I can explain being queer just once and be done with it. I, too, get frustrated when someone obviously needs to hear something I've said over and over.

But I also know that not speaking means no change. We have a saying, "silence=death". Because of people speaking up, risking being raped and killed, losing jobs and being cast out of their families, those dangers have lessened over the years.

Also, I know how valuable allies are to the work being done to correct prejudice against GLBT people. It has been and still is very important that these straight people speak up in person and in public.

The thing is, I know that most of them became allies only after someone (usually more than once) sat down with them one-on-one, to say things that had been said a dozen or a hundred or a thousand times before.

No, you should not have to do that on race issues. Yes, you should get to simply get on with your own life.

In an ideal world, no one would have to put their own life on hold for an hour or three to explain things for the hundredth time. But we don't live in an ideal world, and people do need to learn some things one-on-one, from someone that they like, respect, and trust. Therefore, it is important work.

It is, of course, your choice as to whether it is your work.

As to your potential allies, I know that sometimes white people care about race issues very much, but are afraid to speak up, especially in public, because they see such a huge amount of criticism and anger directed at people who do try to be allies. Perhaps they are simply afraid of facing a storm of emotion caused by a chain of events that started before they were even born. Perhaps they feel their voice is useless because they are not completely educated on the issues. Perhaps they fear that in trying to make things better, they will instead cause more pain and stress for the very people they want to help.

Now, I can't answer your concern as to it's worth the effort it would take for you to welcome these people to stand up with you. Like I said, it's an imperfect analogy.

But GLBT people did not reduce the prejudices against us by becoming a majority, we did it by welcoming the people who wanted to be allies and by working to find additional allies and make them feel welcome. Oh, there was (and is) some yelling too--but I think that consistently extended hands of friendship won over a lot more people.

I can't judge whether my analogy speaks to whether people of color need allies in the same way GLBT people need them. Like I said, I knew from the start that it's an imperfect analogy.

But I hope me sharing this bit of my experience gives you a basis to understand why I think it is important for me to take time from my life to, yet again, say things I've already said over and over, when I find someone whose life and experiences have been very different from mine, but who nonetheless is willing to listen. Someone who might or might not become a vocal ally, but who at least may become a friend.

And why I very much appreciate the eforts of people of color who are willing to similarly take time, to have one-on-one conversations, to share their lives and explain their concerns.

You do know that there are queer people of color, right?

Of course!

But it's like being queer and Pagan (I am both). You get one person with more than one area to be disrespected in, and each impacts a person's life in a variety of ways. My personal experience is that the ways the two affect a person are mostly (but not all) similar; but I also know that other people's experience is not necessarily the same. Being female is another area where I have experienced prejudice, and again, the experience has been similar in some but not all ways, at least for me.

I haven't talked to many queer people of color about how they experience the prejudices they face from being queer as compared to how they experience the prejudices they face being people of color. So I don't assume I know how similar or different it is for them.

Also, the knowledge I do have, from people I know personally or have read, might or might not match the experience of the person I was talking to. After all, I know very little about him/her other than that his/her impression of the original poster's meaning and intent was very different from mine.

Therefore I wanted to stick to one topic, and to be clear that I was speaking from my own experiences. I also wanted to be very clear that I am not assuming his/her experience is the same as mine.

Does that help you to understand where I'm coming from, a little?

Your replies are so groaningly textbook, I can only assume you are reading them from a script. You think you are the only queer white person to make this astonishing leap of fantastic justification? Do you honestly think that original, interesting and unique thoughts are coming out of your head right now?

Prejudice: individual act of discrimination because of a particular trait.

Homophobia: institutional and/or personal acts of discrimination based on a person`s sexual orientation, which may or may not be visible to the casual observer, and which is very often not a constant factor in someone`s daily life - especially in urban 21st Century America. As a queer white woman in LA, I experience direct homophobia pretty much never, other than the fact that they keep annulling my marriage, and our health insurance is wicked expensive.

Racism: Unrelenting systemic, institutional, cultural and/or personal acts of discrimination based on hundreds of years of white oppression, enslavement, murder, dehumanization, exotification, imperialism, theft from, and exploitation of people of color. The commonly accepted definition of racism is prejudice plus institutional power. People of color are affected by racism every day, all the time, in a myriad number of ways that white people could never imagine.

You may experience prejudice, sexism, or homophobia (though let`s be serious here, I have never heard of anyone being pulled over for Driving While Wiccan), but you have not and will never know what it is like to experience racism. Racism is not "just like" being queer and pagan. To casually presume otherwise is an act of extreme, offensive privilege.

Speaking as if being queer and being POC are mutually exclusive completely erases the reality of queer POC and minimizes racism, especially the rampant racism within the queer community. This is another act of privilege.

Demanding that POC cater to the delicate sensibilities of white people, that they be available for offensive, repetitive, ignorant "teaching moments" on demand, but of course all without the slightest hint of anger or frustration (OHAI the Tone Argument), then justifying your demands with a tired "but I am just as oppressed as you are, why can"t you validate meeee?" is privilege on an epic scale.

Does that help you to understand where I am coming from, a little?

I'm confused. I did not ask for POC to cater to my (or anyone else's) sensibilities. I do not believe that my experiences have been "just like" experiencing racism, and did not say that they were. Nor did I claim to be "just as oppressed" as anyone else, or ask for validation. And I certainly never said (nor implied) that being queer and being POC are mutually exclusive! I'm not sure whose words you are responding to here. Perhaps this "script" you mention.

I--No. I should stop.

I very much want an end to racism, and to prejudice of all types, institutionalized and individual. I hope I can in some way help to end it or at least reduce it in my lifetime.

My reasons do include having experienced prejudice in my own life, even though my experiences have not been as severe or scary as many others. However, I do not have to have personally experienced all forms of institutionalized and individual prejudice to know it is wrong and to want to be a part of stopping it.

I do not think it is unique, or original, or even interesting to want to end racism and other forms of prejudice. But it is right.

As to sounding like a textbook, I was raised by English teachers. I've been teased all my life for sounding like one (except at jobs where that's part of why they hired me).

I am sorry my words distressed you--both you, epilady, and you, any other reader out there who feels the same.

I do not demand anyone's time, especially on this topic. (This includes "I do not demand any reply to these words".) But I do appreciate it when people choose to gift me with a bit of their time.

Thank you for taking time from your life to write to me.

And again, my apologies.

Wow, it`s deja vu all over again.

Hmm, I think I should tell you that I'm a bisexual white woman!

Here are some quotes from the OP's post and comments:

1. But when someone is honestly trying to do a right thing -- even if they botch it -- try to give them credit for making the effort. Otherwise, why should anyone try?

2. What I intended to describe was not about expecting praise for doing the right thing. It was about not getting sniped at for doing the right thing (or trying to do the right thing).

3. Many people, when they've worked hard on something and believe it to be worthy, are discouraged and frustrated if other people then criticize them for having done it; while some people may continue their efforts, others do not.

This post is advocating that if a white person stops caring (about trying to fight racism) because they are criticized (for doing or saying something racist), it's totally fine and understandable (it's a fact that white people humans just can't be expected to not be selfish and cruel!), and people of color should not get mad. Because white people's honest belief that they actually did a great job, even if that is not true, should be protected. Because if they tried, it doesn't matter if they utterly failed. People of color should "give them credit for making the effort."

Maybe that would make sense if we were talking about, like, a three-year-old trying to draw a pony, and the consequences of messing up are... a crappy drawing of a pony. But dude, we're grown-ups, and racism is about people of color's lives. Do you see how this advice is all about protecting white people from ever having to realize that they are racist? Do you see how the unspoken threat is that if people of color don't want their allies to abandon them, they better shut up, and yes, swallow the hurt in silence?

But I also know that not speaking means no change. We have a saying, "silence=death". Because of people speaking up, risking being raped and killed, losing jobs and being cast out of their families, those dangers have lessened over the years.

Yeah, definitely. Don't you think it's pretty annoying when straight people are all like, "What? You're criticizing me for saying [blah blah something horribly homophobic]? HOW DARE YOU. I AM NOT A HOMOPHOBE. I tried to be tolerant but I guess you don't want my help! Fine! I give up!!" Maybe no one's said that to you, but it would suck if they did, right? They would sound like they think being criticized is worse than being homophobic. They wouldn't sound like any kind of ally worth wasting your time on.

"pretty annoying" is an awfully mild way to put someone, gay or straight, saying something like, "Bisexuals don't really exist", or "It's just a phase you're going through. You'll grow out of it."

I find it harder to deal with this, emotionally anyway, coming from a gay person than a straight one. The gay person knows what it's like to have the world pretend you don't exist, you don't matter--so why would they turn around and do that to someone else?

Sigh.

As to your exact question, if someone is totally offended that I think they are a homophobe, and I think their offense is honest, then I probably do want them as an ally.

If they are really offended, that tells me that they are probably not homophobic, and that they didn't mean to offend or hurt anyone. When that's true, it generally means that they don't want to do it again.

But they're doomed to do it again if they don't learn something from our encounter.

I have had lesson after lesson in this life in just how different people are--not in visible stuff like skin color or who they are attracted to, but in how their brains work. Things that are obvious to me are often obscure to other people, and I can't count the number of times I've gotten into trouble for "deliberately ignoring" something that was obvious to someone else, but not to me. And even people whose brains work similarly can have learned different definitions and different associations for various words and phrases.

My parents were once arguing about how to fix a window. They happened to be standing in the hallway, blocking both the doorway to the living room and the hallway to the kitchen. The argument was so heated that I went outside and all the way around the house to get to the kitchen, rather than walk between them. Eventually, they figured out that they were both advocating doing exactly the same thing to the window--but using different words!

It doesn't have to be about race for someone to say something that they mean to be supportive, and have a listener think they mean something totally different.

If someone's words are homophobic, but they didn't mean them that way, I know that in a one-on-one conversation I stand a good chance of explaining it to them. Which means I have a chance to make the world a little safer, a chance to keep this one person from hurting someone else, accidentally.

They may never become allies who can speak gracefully in public for the cause, but private speech matters too. And allies can also help in other ways. Donations, for instance, or practical help. Even understanding the nice-sounding words politicians use to indicate that they're unfriendly to queer causes can change the way someone votes in an election (like "pro-family").

I think the thing that has affected me the most about Martin Luther King's teachings is that when someone hits you, it can hurt your cause for you to hit back. As a child with a very quick temper, it astounded me that people could bring themselves, while being beaten, to just quietly sit down and hunch around their faces, hands, and bellies instead of yelling or hitting back. But it worked! Facing violence with non-violence, standing up and speaking up (and then, if necessary, sitting down) for the cause worked!

I think this lesson also applies when people use words that hurt me. Yes, it's important for me to stand up for what's right, to correct misconceptions and express my feelings and experiences. But it's also important to not use my words as a weapon, to not use my words to hit back.

And often that doesn't seem fair! But it was hugely not fair for people to have to sit, nonviolent, while being beaten.

Remembering those heroes helps me to stick to my resolve to do my best when I do get a chance, in some small way, to reduce the amount of prejudice in the world.

As to your potential allies, I know that sometimes white people care about race issues very much, but are afraid to speak up, especially in public, because they see such a huge amount of criticism and anger directed at people who do try to be allies. Perhaps they are simply afraid of facing a storm of emotion caused by a chain of events that started before they were even born. Perhaps they feel their voice is useless because they are not completely educated on the issues. Perhaps they fear that in trying to make things better, they will instead cause more pain and stress for the very people they want to help.

But... if white people feel that way, they shouldn't speak in public about race issues! Like I said, I'm white, and I used to think all those things, and those are the thoughts of someone who is very uneducated on race and white privilege and how to be an ally. The first step to learning about race, as a white person, is to STFU and listen. A person of color never educated me personally; I just lurked around the internet, reading essays that have already been written & reading the reactions to posts like this one. I had great intentions, but I was ignorant, and I probably would have said a bunch of hurtful racist shit if I had spoken up. (As it was, I let a bunch of hurtful, racist shit go unchallenged... you have to balance "STFU and listen" with the fact that while we can decide not to deal with racism, people of color never can. That's white privilege right there. Don't use being uneducated as an excuse not to do anything -- go educate yourself.)

This post is saying that a totally ignorant white person should have the right to say hurtful, racist shit in public without ever getting criticized. Apart from the toll this takes on PoC (which is the most important thing), if people followed this, I would never have realized that I had more to learn.

And actually? In my experience, people of color *are* welcoming to white people who try to be allies. They are incredibly patient; they explain things. One problem with the tone argument (i.e. people would listen if only you were nicer) is that it's a totally unfair demand and racism itself is rude and violent. The other problem is that people of color can try as hard as they can to be polite and assume good intentions, but they will always (ALWAYS) get told to be nicer (see here (http://zvi-likes-tv.livejournal.com/429092.html?thread=1548836#t1548836)). It's not helpful advice, it's a defensive reaction to take the focus off the white person's racism and put it on the PoC.

But GLBT people did not reduce the prejudices against us by becoming a majority, we did it by welcoming the people who wanted to be allies and by working to find additional allies and make them feel welcome. Oh, there was (and is) some yelling too--but I think that consistently extended hands of friendship won over a lot more people.

You know about the Civil Rights movement, right? Have you ever read MLK's Letter from a Birmingham Jail (http://www.africa.upenn.edu/Articles_Gen/Letter_Birmingham.html)? Sometimes "allies" do more harm than good.

If you want to start learning, try these links:
http://fixracism.com/ (5 ways to end racism)
racism_101
Baby-stepping away from racism: A guide for white people (http://paradox-dragon.livejournal.com/52963.html)

First, thanks for your time, and for the links. Yes, I've read MLK.

As to the original post, I don't see the original poster as saying it's OK to give up--I see her primary point as being that feeling discouraged is understandable. Feelings and actions are not the same thing, and "giving up" is an action. She also observes that some people do give up, but IMHO she does not advocate doing so. In contrast, she spends a lot of words on how to not let these feelings have the final say.

After a lot of words about the things that can discourage someone, and how to keep your spirits up anyway, she says, "then just keep going as best you can." If she was advocating that white people should just return to an all-white world and hide behind white privilege, then there would be no need to talk about feeling attacked and reviled and discouraged, and how to "keep going" anyway.
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As to critiques and tone, in other situations I've seen plenty of times where the tone of a critique makes a huge difference in whether someone hears the substance of said critique.

Mostly, anger creates defensiveness, which creates a situation where the substance is not thought about, just reflexively rejected. (I don't like this fact, but in my experience, it's is a predictable part of human nature: Most of the time, someone automatically and forcibly rejects something--anything--that they perceive as attacking them. They might attack back or shield, but either way they don't listen.)

In contrast, I have also seen plenty of instances where it was the anger itself which got a particular person to notice that there's a problem and to believe it's important enough that they should stop whatever they're doing long enough to listen.

These experiences make me strongly doubt the idea that tone doesn't matter when talking about racism.

Certainly, I don't think that POC (or anyone else) should never express their anger, their frustration, and so on. That's just another way that silence=death.

And I also think that the "nicest" way to express feelings is often ineffective; I do not advocate always trying to be "nice".

Because it does matter how feelings are expressed. It matters a lot.

I think that the most effective expressions of anger are the ones where the speaker's feelings are made clear, but are not phrased as an attack on the person or people they are speaking to. The ones that get the listener, no matter how different that listener's own experiences have been, to empathize with the speaker--to feel that anger with the speaker, knowing in their heart that the anger is justified.

Anger is a very powerful emotion. Anger is the emotion that says something's wrong, that it has to change! Expressed, anger can help change things that are very well-entrenched. But it should be used carefully. It's worse than wasted if it's used in a way that reinforces the things that one is, with good reason, angry about.