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Poem: "Dig a Little to Find It"

This poem came out of the June 1, 2021 Poetry Fishbowl. It was inspired by a prompt from dialecticdreamer. It also fills the "Wings" square in my 6-1-21 card for the Cottoncandy Bingo fest. This poem has been sponsored by Anthony & Shirley Barrette. It belongs to the Shiv and Broken Angels threads of the Polychrome Heroics series. It directly follows "Their Wings Too Heavy," so read that one first.

Warning: This poem contains some touchy topics. It also has funny parts, so do not read with mouth full. Highlight to read the warnings, some of which are spoilers. It includes Hali playing with stuffed animals, discussion of Heron's response to Hali's wings, trust issues, references to health and healing issues, cognitive dissonance, reference to past abuse, rude language, wing-related touch aversion, and other challenges. If these are sensitive issues for you, please consider your tastes and headspace before reading onward.


"Dig a Little to Find It"

[Evening of Tuesday, November 17, 2015]

By the time Shiv's shift was over,
it was dark, and car headlights were
sweeping across the windows, so he
and Cas went down to the guest room.

For supper they'd had smoked sweet potatoes
with black beans and honey bonnet butter.

Shiv was learning that Cas and Hali would
eat just about anything if you put honey on it,
although after the morning's encounter with
Dairinne's spice tolerance, Hali's serving
had been topped with plain honey.

Now Hali sat on the bed playing with
a set of four safari animals. She had
a zebra, an elephant, a giraffe, and a lion.

She bounced the stuffed zebra over
the bed saying, "Moo! Moooo!"

Shiv cracked up laughing.
"That is not a cow," he said.

"The only black-and-white animal
she's seen is a cow," Cas explained.

Shiv rolled his eyes. "This is
ridiculous," he said. He grabbed
one of the books they'd brought
downstairs, We All Went on Safari.

He opened it to the right page.
"These are zebras. They live
in Africa. They are NOT cows.
They go whee-hee-hee. They're
sort of like horses, only zebras
don't like people and tend to bite."

Hali stared at him, then poked him
with the zebra. "Rawr rawr rawr!"

Cas laughed at both of them.

"Yeah, yeah," Shiv said,
rolling his eyes. "So, how
did your day go? Okay?"

Cas fiddled with the hem of
his shirt. "That guy, Heron ..."

"He's cool," Shiv said.
"Weird, but cool. All of
the Finns are like that,
even though they're all
different in their own ways."

"He was staring at Hali's wings,
sideways," Cas pointed out.
"That's ... kind of creepy."

"He can't help it," Shiv said. "He's
got surprisingly good brakes. It's just,
he compared it to hearing a baby scream."

Cas winced. "Yeah, that really yanks
at your attention," he admitted.

Shiv remembered what Cas
had said about how Hali's wing
got fucked up. Probably Shiv
shouldn't have repeated
what Heron said earlier.

The morning's conversation
had rambled over various topics,
from gang life to cooking to
some of Heron's abilities.

"It's something to think about,"
Shiv said. "Heron will settle down
as he gets to know you better,
and he really won't push at you.
At least you have more options now."

"So you're saying I should just
let Heron fix Hali's wing?" Cas said.

Shiv shook his head. "No, it's not
an emergency. Take your time,
get to know him. There's no point
scaring the heck out of yourselves.
It'll be easier once you know him more."

"And if it was an emergency?" Cas said.

"Take the offer. Heron's good for it,
and I trust him," Shiv said. "Wow,
I never thought I'd have to say that."

"Yeah, I've had that thought three or
four times a day," Cas said. "It's hard
getting used to a whole new life."

"Better life, though?" Shiv said,
watching Hali play on the bed.

"Yes. Better." Cas smiled
at his daughter. "It's just
so different, and new ...
sometimes that makes it
hard to add one more thing."

"I get that," Shiv said. "I've
had it from Boss White here,
and pretty much all the Finns
at one time or another."

"How do you handle it?"
Cas wondered, watching him.

"Try to take it one little bit
at a time," Shiv said. "I know,
it sounds like therapy bunk,
but think of it like ... cleaning
one stain off of a counter
is a lot easier than trying
to clean up the whole thing."

"True," Cas said. "I'm just
not sure what a little bit of
this would even look like."

"Let Heron do something
smaller, like patching up
a skinned knee," Shiv said.
"He knows regular first aid too.
That way you'd both have
a chance to see what you
think of him in action."

"Huh," Cas said thoughtfully.
"That's actually not a bad idea."

"You get used to it," Shiv said.
"Not right away, but eventually."

"Have you gotten used to it?"
Cas asked, tilting his head.

"Kind of," Shiv said. "More
than before, anyway. I've
known the Finns for, hmm,
about a year and a half now."

"I guess that's something,"
Cas said. "Have you let
Heron do things for you?"

"Yeah, some stuff, but not
everything," Shiv said, rubbing
his left arm. "Before I joined
the Ebonies & Ivories, Boss Batir
beat me up pretty bad -- he used
the buckle end of his belt. I got tired
of the worst scars, so I let Heron
fix those, but not all of them."

"And your arm?" Cas said.

"Broke it when I was a kid, and
the asshole fosters wouldn't take me
to a doctor, so it healed all wrong --
there was a bump about the size of
a ping-pong ball there," Shiv muttered.

He shivered, his skin crawling with
memories. There were reasons why
he usually didn't talk about this shit.

"That's abuse," Cas said. "It sounds
like you had an even worse time
in foster care than we did."

"You really don't want to know,"
Shiv said. Cas might be in a gang,
but he was still pretty soft, and
Shiv didn't want to spook him.

"But you got it fixed later?"
Cas said. "It looks fine now."

"Yeah, I was trading favors
with a healer and got tired
of the damn thing aching in
stormy weather," Shiv said.

"Not Heron?" Cas said.
"You know another healer?"

"More like trading favors,"
Shiv said. "Getting it fixed
kinda sucked, but it's fine now."

"Hurt?" Hali said, crawling to him.

"No, not anymore," Shiv said. "It used
to bug me a lot. I was asleep when I
got it fixed, but when I woke up, it was
really sore, and then less sore for a while
after that. My healer said that's because
it was such an old injury. Now it's as good
as new, though. See?" He held his arms out.

Hali's hands patted over his skin, first on
the left, and then on the right. "Same?"

"Yeah, they're the same now," Shiv said.
"The bump used to be here." He pointed.
"So if you ever want to get your wing
fixed, it'll match your other one."

Hali huffed at him, tucking
her wings farther out of reach.

"What, I'm not gonna mistake you for
a feather duster and use you to dust
furniture," Shiv said. "Besides, yours is
fresher, so it's easier to fix, less ouchy."

Hali giggled, and then went back
to playing with the stuffed animals.

Cas frowned. "Just how old was
that injury you had?" he said.

"I dunno," Shiv said. "My head's
a mess. More'n ten years, I guess.
I was little when it happened."

Cas looked pretty pissed.
"Rough healing on top of that
sounds pretty bad," he said.

"It wasn't rough," Shiv said. "It's
just you can't numb it all the way
once it's fixed, or your body won't
learn how it's really supposed to go."

"I guess that makes sense," Cas said.
"You'd have to change the muscle memory."

"Besides, it was better than the alternatives,"
Shiv said. "I was sick of it bugging me.
There's a fast way and a slow way to heal
things like that. The fast way sucks for
a few days, then it's crummy for a week
or few after that. The slow way isn't as bad,
but it takes freaking months. No thanks."

Cas glanced at Hali. "Months would be ...
that doesn't sound good," he said.

"Yeah, that's why I did it fast,"
Shiv said. "I'm a rip-it-quick guy."

"And you're happy with that?" Cas said.
"If you could go back and do it again,
you would make the same choices?'

"This time," Shiv said. "I've overdone it
before, too, trying to get too many things
fixed all at once. That's why I suggested
you should do something smaller first."

Fixing his eyes and all that brain damage
at the same time had been fucking stupid.

"Smaller may be good advice," Cas agreed,
"if an opportunity presents itself later on."

"It probably will," Shiv said. "Finns like
to stick around, and you know kids,
they're always bumping into stuff."

Cas raised an eyebrow.
"You don't have any kids."

"I know Dairinne, Edison, and
Jaxon," Shiv said. "I've seen it."

"Well, you're not wrong,"
Cas admitted. "Kids
have a nose for trouble."

"You're braver than I am,
raising one," Shiv said.

"Not really," said Cas.
"You're cozy with healers."

That was surely an exaggeration,
but maybe it looked that way to him, or
maybe a hill just seemed higher from
near the bottom than partway up.

"Healing takes courage, and we
all have courage, even if we have
to dig a little to find it," Shiv said.

Cas looked at Hali. "Yeah, okay."

* * *

Notes:

"Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it."
-- Tori Amos

Smoked sweet potatoes have many health benefits.

Hali plays with a set of African animals.

We All Went on Safari: A counting Journey Through Tanzania by Laurie Krebs and Julia Cairns from Barefoot Books Ltd.
Age range: 4-8
This book tells the journey of Arusha, Mosi, Tumpe, and their Maasai friends through the grasslands of Tanzania. The children encounter all different types of animals while counting 1 to 10 in both English and Swahili. This is a great children’s rhyming children’s book which provides an illustrated guide to counting in Swahili, information about each of the animals and interesting facts about Tanzania and the Maasai people.

Zebras have obnoxious habits that make them difficult if not impossible to domesticate.

(Some of these links are intense.)
Trust is complicated for abuse survivors. The often feel that they can't trust anyone. This may have been, or still be, correct distrust. Cas and Hali have gone from an untrustworthy environment to a more trustworthy one, but their past leaves them struggling to distinguish between untrustworthy and trustworthy people. Other people may not even realize why they have trouble with trust. Some people claim that trust is mandatory, but emotions can't be mandatory. Certainly it is useful in a team and vital for a healthy relationship. But don't try to shame people for not feeling that way. There are ways to gain the trust of abuse survivors and for survivors to learn how to trust. This takes time.