Elizabeth Barrette (ysabetwordsmith) wrote,
Elizabeth Barrette
ysabetwordsmith

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Why I Light a Candle in the Darkness

Someone I know recently lost a relative to suicide. The implications included depression exacerbated by the dire economic slump. I can understand being desperate enough to chew off one's leg to escape a trap, which is what suicide sometimes is. But it's a bitter and miserable thing to be left behind, because the survivors are the ones who have to clean up the mess, emotional and otherwise. So I sympathize with them too.

If you wonder why I write about some of the things I do -- about gender studies and identity and equality, about spirituality and tolerance, about economics and environment and saving the world, about family skills and communication and community -- it's because of things like this. Because I want the world to be a challenging but ultimately worthwhile place to live, that rewards honest work better than chicanery or indolence. Because I don't want it to be a place so devoid of hope and opportunity that desperate people in increasing numbers feel driven to smash the windows of their souls and crawl out through the shards into the everyonder.

We're working on it. Even if I have to walk into the wind with a hand cupped around my little candleflame, I would rather do that than merely sit and curse the dark, because even if it doesn't work, I'll be able to say I tried. And now and then, someone pauses to light a candle from mine ... or relight mine when it's gone out. We are sparks in the darkness. See how we shine.
Tags: community, economics, life lessons, moment of silence, writing
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  • 29 comments
>> I come from a very fragmented society where a recent, short-lived housing boom only pushed the weaker down more and tore us all further apart. <<

That's happening in many parts of America right now. Owning a house is a worthy goal, but it needs to be done carefully. Many buyers let themselves get talked into more house than they could afford, and many real estate agents and bankers financed mortgages on foolish terms (sometimes to the point of fraud). That's not a productive approach to helping people improve their lives; now individuals and communities are suffering.

>> In the end, wealth isn't worth a damn <<

You can't eat money, or wear it, or sleep under it, or cuddle it. It's only a means to an end. When people forget that, bad things happen.

>> if we don't look at ourselves and why we are afraid to own our own sadness. <<

Drug companies have spent massive effort and money to convince people that all unpleasantry -- physical or emotional -- is pathologic. That's bullshit. Sadness is a natural and sometimes necessary part of life. It's the way we recognize the importance of a relationship that has attenuated after a death. It's a warning not to repeat certain types of mistakes. Only if it doesn't heal in good time is it something to be considered a problem unto itself. But people forget that, because they've been mislead by others' greed.

>> (By "we" I mean the Irish, YMMV) <<

If the Irish have grown afraid of their own sorrow, then ... they aren't hardly Irish anymore, and the English have overtaken the culture at last. Ireland's greatest literature and triumphs have come out of its greatest griefs. Hail, Deirdre of the Sorrows...

>> I believe that the way in which family and personal life are organised (mortgages needing two incomes, poor building decisions resulting in social isolation, very early commuting hours and little extended family support) have caused an increase in malaise and depression.<<

That sounds very astute. In America, it generally takes 2-5 jobs to support a household. Only the very best jobs can do it in one. That exhausts people and devastates family life. And poor building decisions? 0_o You should see American surburban sprawl; it's a nightmare. The extended family is all but gone. On the bright side, more and more people are looking around and saying, "Wow, this sucks!" and looking for ways to reconnect with each other and the land.

>> Much of this, as well as my own experiences of hostility towards emotional openness, has pushed me toward activism and work in this field.<<

It's great to see other people working on this!


Regarding medicating mental illness I would say it has its uses. There's nothing that has me grinding my teeth in rage more than people saying "oh anti-depressants are just a crutch, you don't really need them, you need a bit of bracing fresh air and to talk to someone." However I do believe that throwing pills at the problem doesn't necessarily fix it either, as you've said. A judicious combination of the two can work wonders.

If the Irish have grown afraid of their own sorrow, then ... they aren't hardly Irish anymore, and the English have overtaken the culture at last. Ireland's greatest literature and triumphs have come out of its greatest griefs. Hail, Deirdre of the Sorrows...

True, but that's a stylised, externalised sort of sorrow. It's easier to be voluble about myth than to quietly say, "I'm falling to pieces, I need help." The sorrow is redirected by what Yeat's calls "a fanatic heart" which he believed is a national characteristic! An English friend who lives and works here actually has a blog tag "great hatred, little room" to describe it!

On the bright side, more and more people are looking around and saying, "Wow, this sucks!" and looking for ways to reconnect with each other and the land.

Yes, I do believe there is hope. Oddly enough, the recession seems to be helping. The amount of artistic and cultural activity among my friends and acquaintances has absolutely exploded since this whole economic crash got under way. I'm wary to be too enthusiastic about hard times, because people are really suffering right now and the last thing I want to do is come out with trite little platitudes like that, but I do feel that here, anyway, things are mellowing a bit. I truly hope so.

Great post, btw.
>> Regarding medicating mental illness I would say it has its uses. <<

Medicating mental illness sometimes helps. Medicating mental injury helps less often, and sometimes makes matters worse. From what I've heard of modern mind science, not enough distinction is drawn between the two.

>>There's nothing that has me grinding my teeth in rage more than people saying "oh anti-depressants are just a crutch, you don't really need them, you need a bit of bracing fresh air and to talk to someone." However I do believe that throwing pills at the problem doesn't necessarily fix it either, as you've said. A judicious combination of the two can work wonders.<<

First, you have to identify whether the complaint is a problem requiring treatment or a natural response to life hitting the rocks. If someone feels depressed and their life is okay, that's likely to be a biochemical imbalance that needs chemical repair. If someone has recently lost a relative, or a job, or a home, or some other calamity -- of course they're going to feel horrible for a while. Wait a few weeks or months and see what happens; normally, they'll start to bounce back. (Close deaths take a about year to recover from, sometimes longer.) Only intervene sooner if 1) suicidal or other destructive tendencies appear, 2) the person wants someone to talk out issues with, and/or 3) other serious dysfunctions interfere with everyday life.

The kind of mental imbalance to worry about is not the kind that comes and goes based on life challenges -- but rather the kind that comes for no discernible reason, is all out of proportion to stimulus, and/or does not fade after the amount of time beyond which someone would ordinarily recover.

If you don't know the cause of the problem, your chances of fixing it are greatly reduced: Pills won't fix it if you've damaged your link to the divine; you need a priest/ess for that. Praying won't fix it if your upbringing gave you destructive mental processes; you need a shrink for that. Talking won't fix it if your biochemistry is off-kilter; you need pills for that. And if the problem has a combination of sources, which is not rare, then you need a combined approach. Given that the people who dispense pills, prayers, and talk therapy often aren't in touch with each other and don't check for anything beyond their own area of expertise, a lot of problems get misdiagnosed and mistreated. That's bad.

>>I'm wary to be too enthusiastic about hard times, because people are really suffering right now and the last thing I want to do is come out with trite little platitudes like that, but I do feel that here, anyway, things are mellowing a bit. I truly hope so.<<

Never underestimate inertia. As long as people can keep going in the same direction, most will. Only when they can no longer scrape by will they start looking for totally different options. The recession has forced people over the edge from "scraping by" to "not making it" so large numbers of them are realizing that systems are broken and need immediate repair or replacement.

If someone has recently lost a relative, or a job, or a home, or some other calamity -- of course they're going to feel horrible for a while. Wait a few weeks or months and see what happens; normally, they'll start to bounce back.

While I take your point I will also add: grief and depression are very different animals. Very different.
They're not the same thing, but they're related negative emotions, often triggered by the same circumstances. One of the more dangerous kinds of chronic depression is the spiral-of-doom kind where any significant life setback tends to trigger a plummet from which the person does not recover normally. In between those times, they're okay; but when they're hit, they can't get up on their own. What starts as grief or disappointment or regret quickly grows into depression, and bystanders tend to be not very sympathetic about that. I've known several folks like this; it's a nasty handicap.
And there are other losses, besides death, which evoke a grief response.
Indeed.

Not long ago, I read an article about a study which found that involuntary job loss creates a substantial permanent reduction in people's community involvement. They were less likely to join churches or clubs, to volunteer, to donate to charities, etc.

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