Child Abuse Statistics

I didn't know that either. I knew it was high, knew it was considerably higher than children living with both parents, because so many kids do present with stepparent abuse. But I wouldn't have guessed 50x. That's overwhelming.

>>About two years after I'd divorced her father, when she was around 10, my daughter said to me, "I expect you'll be getting married again soon." I have no idea why she expected this, because I was not dating, but I hastened to assure her that no, I would NOT be getting married again, nor would I ever have a boyfriend live in our house while she lived there. I certainly didn't stay celibate until she was grown, and she knew that, but at NO time were Mama's lovers ever in her space, or given any authority over her.<<

That's certainly another good tool in the box.

>>We did eventually get a male housemate: young, sweet, shy, and 100% gay. He'd never in his life looked with lust on any female body - was kinda squicked even by the thought - so I knew he would not be checking out my daughter's ass as she washed the dishes or whatever, as even the most honorable of straight men might have inadvertently done.<<

Aww.

>> Of course that's sound advice, but it's also a 'counsel of perfection' in a country where the majority of teenagers have no access to prescription contraception. <<

I would aim for a standard of improvement rather than perfection. We've tried this breakdown of family structure in the name of freedom and diversity, and while it can work for some families, it doesn't seem to work as well as extended family or even nuclear family for most folks. Free love is totally fine until you add children and then it causes a whole lot of challenges.

>> Condoms, yah yah; used correctly and conscientiously, they work better than half the time, but these are teenagers we're talking about here. The real solution would be to have the Healthmobile come around twice a year to every public school in America, check everybody up, and provide long-acting contraception (IUD or the Patch) to every girl that needs it, free of charge.<<

I support free, diverse birth control for everyone. Each method has its pros and cons. TV currently runs an ad for a long-term one that can kill you because blood clots are a well-known side effect of it. O_O That one probably shouldn't have been approved and may get withdrawn as some other things have been. People should be able to choose whichever method(s) best fits their need. And I would start by putting free condoms in the school bathrooms like T-America does.

Every child should be a wanted child. That right there cuts down on a great deal of child abuse.

>>Years ago I went on a few dates with a single mother of a pre-teen boy.

She wanted to move things forward quite quickly. And I was reluctant. I believed that I was potentially entering into a relationship, not just with her, but with her son, too. And I wanted to make sure all aspects were on solid ground.<<

Some people really don't want to be single, for practical as well as personal reasons. They just need to find someone with the same mindset. It used to be the norm that if there were two half-families (a widow and widower each with kids) in a small town, they'd merge on the premise "she needed a pa for hers, I needed a ma for mine" and that actually worked as long as everyone was on the same page. Now, it's more scattered, so it's harder to match up who wants the same things.

>> Now...if things go as I hope, I will be moving in soon with a delightful woman and her 16 year old daughter. For a whole slew of reasons, this is going to be a huge challenge for me. <<

Congratulations!

>> But I'm confident: I have a terrific relationship with my partner (I think, I hope, I work towards, I pray); and I'm slowly building what I hope is a good rapport with her daughter. Her daughter and I will, of course, have to figure out what our relationship is going to be like (clearly, I'm not her father, and don't expect to take on that role, nor be accorded the same level of trust / intimacy that she shares with her father).<<

As it happens, my partner has a son old enough that the stepmother thing just didn't seem to fit. We're more friends than anything else, although aunt isn't far off. So I have an idea of what it's like.

Consider whether you might find the uncle role fitting, rather than father. Also, consider that you have one advantage over her birthparents: you didn't know her growing up, so you can see who she is right now, as a young woman. That can actually make it easier to guide someone, because it'll be easier to see her current skills when you're not distracted by memories of her as a toddler. That's something to discuss as a family, because many parents and teens have a hard time negotiating the shift from dependence to independence. This used to be commonly handled by fostering teens with an uncle or a family friend.

>> I'm hopeful. I'm also ignorant, and uncertain, want to remain respectful, and integrate myself as much as I can into an existing set of relationships.<<

When in doubt, ask. That will save you all many headaches.

When dealing with a teenager who doesn't want to talk or can't articulate the problem, observe.

Try to give advice only when 1) you are asked or 2) a disaster is about to occur if not averted. This one is really hard, but most people don't like too much kibbitzing. Especially, teens often want to figure things out for themselves.

Balance doing things as a family and in all the pairs, and doing fun things and not-fun things, so nobody gets left out or stuck doing just the stuff that sucks. Part of the fun in raising a teenager is getting to watch them explore who they want to be. It's a great time to go out and have adventures, and an adult can get her into things that peers can't because things like hang-gliding require a permission slip. Find out what she'd like to try and make it happen.

Best piece of advice my mother ever gave me, when I was coming into puberty: "We're going to drive each other up a wall for a decade or so. Let's all try not to say or do anything unforgivable in that time, so we can come out the other side as friends."

Conversely, "be a parent, not a friend" is horseshit. You can only use force for a few years, and once you lose the last of that at 18, if you don't have a friendship you don't have a relationship. That's why all those kids disappear into the bush never to call home again: there's nothing left for them there. Build a friendship, because in a couple of years she'll be an adult, and that's what you'll have for the rest of your lives. There may be times when she needs an emergency parent, but at 16 she should already be most of the way to independence. Show her what a healthy friendship looks like. Chances are, if the shit hits the fan when Mom's not home, she'll ask you for help rather than let it get worse.

>> Comments and observations invited. Gratefully. <<

I think if you're paying this much attention already, you're going to do as well as anyone could.

>> "Try to give advice only when asked."

Heh. Yes. I think you're right. That's gonna be hard. <<

It is. You can ask for feedback and advance directives, though -- some people want more help than others, and most people have at least one area where they're so aware of their shortcomings that they'll ask people to spot them. This can make it easier to resist giving advice in areas where they are more confident or at least more adventurous.

>> OTOH...I have, so far, couched it in the form of "this is what I did when I was your age, and I wish that I had done something different". <<

Now that's an excellent idea. I'll have to remember that one.

A lot of parenting comes down to making it safe for kids to make mistakes. If you think the rock climbing is going to be a disaster, just start it off with a few lessons at an indoor climbing wall and you'll both find out what happens. That's a lot safer than climbing an actual cliff, only a little less exciting, and definitely does not feel safe while one is clinging by one's fingertips no matter how obtrusive the safety harness is. Look for occasions where taking risks and trying wild things won't get anyone hurt, and that helps lower the pressure in more hazardous areas.

>>I'm glad people like you are still out there helping to build community.<<

*bow, flourish* Happy to be of service.