Elizabeth Barrette (ysabetwordsmith) wrote,
Elizabeth Barrette
ysabetwordsmith
  • Mood: busy

A Problem with Apology

While browsing a fascinating site on work culture and Japanese etiquette, I came across this section on apologies. It mentions that American lawyers customarily discourage or forbid apologies. Insurance companies tend to do the same. In America, apologizing is often construed as admission of guilt and/or personal responsibility. (Japanese culture differs, hence the need for explanatory text and cross-cultural training.) If a lawsuit follows, the apology can make it harder to defend against the plaintiff's complaints.

However ... when something goes wrong, often what the wronged party wants is an apology. An admission that yes, somebody made a mistake and is sorry for it. Sometimes that alone is enough to satisfy the wronged party! (Other times, some form of recompense or assurance of future improvements is desired.) So when an apology is withheld, that may infuriate someone into lodging a lawsuit who would not otherwise have done so. This may benefit lawyers but is unlikely to benefit anyone else.

It would be beneficial if people would agree on a form of apology that could be offered to reduce tension without increasing potential liability. That would reduce stress and expense, and lighten the load on the legal system so that it would have more time for heavy stuff like murder.

On a personal level, I've come to distinguish between "sorry for" and "sorry that." The phrase "I'm sorry for X" is an apology for something the speaker has done (or not done) or is otherwise responsible for, which has turned out less than optimum. The phrase "I'm sorry that X" is an expression of sympathy for something outside the speaker's control, causality, or responsibility which has resulted in some form of upset. This distinction is useful for preventing the "I'm sorry" "It's not your fault" circuit.
Tags: life lessons, linguistics
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  • 7 comments
ruadan63

ruadan63

October 26 2007, 13:28:28 UTC 13 years ago

There's a growing reform movement based on this idea within the medical community:
http://www.arkansasnews.com/archive/2006/08/10/News/337177.html
Nebraska and Rhode Island, I believe, are considering similar laws.
ysabetwordsmith

ysabetwordsmith

October 27 2007, 04:49:28 UTC 13 years ago

Thanks for sharing! This sounds promising. I really approve when people try to find other methods of resolving disputes before going to court. Lawsuit should be a last resort. I've been looking into some information about mediation, negotiation, and facilitation for a class that I'm working on -- there are some good ideas in there too.
je_reviens

je_reviens

October 26 2007, 17:23:30 UTC 13 years ago

I detest the: "I'm sorry YOU FEEL that I hurt you." That's no apology!
ysabetwordsmith

ysabetwordsmith

October 26 2007, 22:02:29 UTC 13 years ago

If one is not sorry for one's action, and would do the same thing again, but one *is* sorry about the unfortunate effects on someone, then one might say "I'm sorry you're upset." This is useful in situations where the person is upset over something that is none of their business (such as a parent haranguing an adult child over a decision that the parent doesn't approve).
je_reviens

je_reviens

October 26 2007, 22:06:55 UTC 13 years ago

To me, that's just passive aggressive. It's worded like an apology, but it;s not actually apologizing for anything you did.
ysabetwordsmith

ysabetwordsmith

October 27 2007, 04:42:13 UTC 13 years ago

Most of the time, if I choose to be aggressive, I'm very open about it. If a direct confrontation isn't safe, I'll seek an alternative means to bring down an enemy. But I won't apologize to someone I intend to hurt, unless it's to set them up or to avoid disaster.

If I don't care that someone is upset, or if I actively intended to hurt, I usually won't apologize at all.

If I care about the person, and my chosen action caused *inadvertent* upset, I'll apologize for the upset. Apologizing for an *action* that I don't regret, and would choose to do again, would be dishonest. I'd rather not be dishonest. But I can indicate that I didn't specifically mean to upset someone and I regret that particular outcome.

If I just plain screwed up, or I made a bad decision and *wouldn't* repeat the action, then I'll apologize for the action.

These are important distinctions to me. Other people may not necessarily agree with how I sort things. That's typical: I'm differently civilized.

I really dislike insincere apologies. I would rather someone not apologize to me at all than apologize and obvious not mean it -- and I can usually tell when they don't mean it.

je_reviens

je_reviens

October 29 2007, 15:27:31 UTC 13 years ago

Well, not everyone is a grown up. :-)