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Poem: "When Someone Is Vulnerable" - The Wordsmith's Forge — LiveJournal
The Writing & Other Projects of Elizabeth Barrette
ysabetwordsmith
ysabetwordsmith
Poem: "When Someone Is Vulnerable"
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ysabetwordsmith From: ysabetwordsmith Date: May 15th, 2016 01:27 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Detailed Feedback from alatefeline

>> Detailed feedback…on parts of this poem that drew distinct reactions from me. Part 1 of 3. <<

Squeeeee! :D

>> cut back
the brown stems of perennials,
and mulch over the flowerbeds


The specificity helps set the scene for me.<<

Yay! I try to do that, not just to put the boots on the ground, but also to distinguish between different characters. Ansel has a cabin by a lake with a nice yard, and he loves doing outdoorsy things. Janie has an apartment in town, although she also pitches in at Ansel's place.

>> because Turq
was dead weight in his arms


My reaction: Oh no! <<

Yeah, Turq is not in good shape right now. :(

>> Neither patting him nor
calling his name produced
any kind of response


My reaction: Very not good. I’m worried about the characters, but also caught up in the plot, wanting to see what happens next.<<

I'm glad I managed to hook you along both of those lines. And just so you know, it takes more to flatten Turq than it does for most people, because not only does he have Regeneration but his pain scale is pretty bent. He can keep compensating a few notches higher than usual. So by the time he stops moving, he's really hurt.

>> "Airway, breathing, circulation,"
he recited as he worked


Yep. That’s familiar from First Aid / CPR training so it works for me as a plausible point of congruence. <<

Cool. I often look up details for scenes like that, although I have that one memorized.

>> His breathing was erratic,
and as Ansel listened,
it stuttered to a stop.


Reaction: NOOO! Ansel, fix it! I trust you! <<

:D I'm glad that's coming through, Ansel as competent and trustworthy.

>> (Going to stop putting “my reaction.” You can tell reaction vs. analysis, I think.) <<

Yes.
16 comments or Leave a comment