busy* If you don't teach sharing, you wind up with people who mostly don't share, usually because they are indifferent to others. This happens a lot, and it is a problem.
* If you teach sharing badly, you also wind up with people who don't share very well, but in two split groups: the ones who try to grab what everyone else has, and the ones who anxiously cling to their stuff because people keep taking it away and their property rights are never respected. Some people even do both. Also problems.
* First, understand the spectrum of sharing. Some things are for sharing. This includes playground equipment, public roads, and games that require multiple players. Some things can be enjoyed together or alone, such as a jump rope. Some things are not for sharing, or only for sharing with an extremely limited number of people. For children, transitional objects such as a favorite teddy bear are so intimately connected that sharing those is hurtful. For adults, it may be their bed or their car or their toothbrush, but they usually have things they just are not comfortable with anyone else using. In this regard, sharing teaches about healthy boundaries. People learn what is private and what is public, and how to handle each of those. For instance, private things should ideally be kept in a place where other people won't pick them up and thereby cause stress. Public things should be stored in a way that makes it clear they are for everyone to use and that hogging them is rude. It's okay to be possessive about your intimate possessions. If you hog things that can be shared, it may sort of work, but that impairs your social life and other people's enjoyment. If you hog things that need to be shared, then it doesn't work at all. Similarly it is not okay to demand or grab things from other people, especially intimate possessions. It is okay to expect your fair share of things that can be or must be shared.
* Navigating the spectrum of sharing also helps people learn what a "fair share" is and why. If there is one pie and 8 people who want pie, then you cut it into at least 8 pieces. Small children usually expect those to be the same size, which is an equal type of sharing. Older people -- and I learned this unusually young because of my dietary needs -- more often favor proportional sharing. I take a small sliver of pie because I can't eat an average-size piece, my partner takes a big piece because he is bigger and so is his appetite, and people who don't know us routinely gripe about that. Or even gripe about us sharing one piece of pie with two forks, which we also do a lot. But these types of sharing work for us, and in fact, expand our options for having dessert both by sharing it when there's not enough for two plates OR when neither of us could eat a whole piece. Sharing is a form of cooperation that allows us to do things we couldn't do alone. More complex, if there are five hand pies and 8 people who want pie, cut them in half and start with everyone getting a half-pie. Later people who are still hungry can go back and get another half-pie while they last. If there are ten hand pies and 8 people who want pie, everybody gets one before anybody gets a second. You don't let one person grab three just because they want to, and leave somebody else without a pie. That's not fair. On the other hand, if John says, "Uh guys, I missed lunch today because my car broke down," then everyone may agree that John should get as many pies as he needs to fill up, because for him it is a need and for them it's just a luxury. That's counting "fair" based on "people should get enough to eat" rather than "people should divide resources equally" -- looking at the whole day rather than the moment.
* Sharing is caring. It means you either enjoy something together, because you want other people to have the nice things that you have; or that you agree to divide scarce resources fairly so that everyone can have some. Forcing someone to give up things they're using just because someone else wants it, or forcing them to interact when they don't want to, gives them negative instead of positive feelings about other people. This undermines the development of spontaneous sharing.
* Sharing is equal. Everyone has the same right to get their needs met. Things which everyone likes, such as dessert, should be shared so that each person gets to enjoy them. Things which nobody likes, such as chores, should also be shared so that no one person gets stuck with all the work. Some things only work when shared properly, such as many sports, games, and cooperative toys or public services such as mass transit. These reinforce the idea of equality as a necessary component of sharing. You cannot teeter-totter by yourself! And if you are playing with someone of very different weight, you get a lesson in physics as the two of you figure out how to make it work.
* Sharing is respectful. It teaches people about property rights, body autonomy, agency, planning, taking turns, compassion, and cooperation. Those are all crucial things, and if people get the wrong message about them, that has huge impact later in life. It is equally bad whether someone winds up with an exaggerated sense of entitlement that infringes on others, or no sense of boundaries because nobody ever respected theirs.
* Sharing is voluntary. If one person takes something away from another person, that is not sharing, it is stealing. They are hurt by that action. It is not okay.
* This includes a very sharp warning that sharing is a milestone in child development, and before a certain age, they are not ready for it and it hurts them. Make sure that children have developmentally appropriate toys. Understand the stages of play in child development. Watch to see that they have mastered the earlier physical and social skills before expecting them to move forward to the next step. Pushing them faster than their individual growth will just upset everyone and make it take longer -- or worse, make it grow in wrong. Similarly, adults who survived bad experiences in this area may benefit from working in a lower stage until they become confident that those negative events will not be repeated.
* Teach sharing through modeling and positive reinforcement. There are tips for 2-year-olds and 3-4-year-olds. To encourage sharing, offer things that are easily divisible such as popcorn or building blocks. For things which must actually be divided, use the break/take process: one person breaks the cookie in half, the other takes whichever half they want. For single items which can be used in concert, such as a ball, demonstrate the difference between solitary play (dribbling it by yourself) and cooperative play (passing it back and forth). For single items which cannot be used at the same time, such as a tricycle, try a timer to measure how long a "turn" is, or use another marker like riding to the end of the block and back.
* When there are problems with sharing, check the developmental level. Look for skills the person already demonstrates fluently. Then look for the next step beyond that. It may be several steps below the level you really want or need them to display, but they aren't there yet. Work on getting from where they are to that next step.
* Sometimes you can solve sharing problems simply by increasing the resources, or changing to a different resource. If children constantly fight over the one Astronaut Barbie, then either add another one or switch to a different toy such as Legos. If there are 8 employees but only 4 chairs in the break room, you probably need more chairs -- but if you're short on space, you may do better replacing single chairs with a bench.
* Don't expect people to accept an unsatisfying situation without complaining. That is mean, unfair, illogical, and also undermines problem-solving. People need to identify what is wrong and fix it. Sometimes, yes, it is necessary to tolerate unhappiness, especially if it is temporary. It's reasonable to expect children to take turns, even though waiting is not fun. It is not reasonable to leave resources so short that arguments are ubiquitous, nor is it right to punish people for pointing out that their needs are not being met, even if the way they inform you of that is very annoying. Teach coping skills along with sharing skills, and look for ways to make the situation at least tolerable for everyone.
May 30 2015, 23:10:28 UTC 6 years ago
May 31 2015, 20:50:40 UTC 6 years ago