Why People Learn Not to Ask for Help

Yeah, that can be frustrating.

It actually is a valid technique -- if you can remember the last time you were sure of having the lost item, it does narrow the search parameters -- but that's hard for many people to do.

It's often less stressful simply to retrace a recent path and search along it, and check the most common places where the item is usually found.

If you have fairies or a house that eats things, you should also: turn your back, ask for the item to be returned, and exchange search zones with another person. Then put away the 2-3 things you find that weren't turning up the last time you looked for those ...

I usually say either, "No. Do you need me to come help search?", "The last time I saw them was X. Have you already looked there? Where do you want me to look?", or "They're in my office in front of the printer." (I'm good at Finding. I can actually do that trick without searching, about a third of the time.)

Because it's usually my partner asking, and he's smart, which means he typically does a basic search before bothering me. If he can't find his glasses, they've either been set down in an atypical place or the fairies have taken them again. Both of these are problems I am very good at solving.

If someone asks for help, and you try to divert them, then yes it will piss them off. That is NOT HELPING. If they want X and you think they should be doing Y, then your answer to the question they asked is "No." Preferably phrased in a polite way such as, "I'm sorry, that's not something I can help you with." It's okay to say no. It's okay to disagree. You might very well be correct in observing that the person would get better results from some other course of action (then again, you could be wrong). People are usually less upset by an honest "no" than by a dishonest "yes" or manipulation.

That's a really great question when somebody rambles about their problem but doesn't make a specific request or question. It often means they have only gotten as far as identifying there is a problem -- which is a necessary step! -- and not necessarily what it is or what their goal is.

This is why I'm a big fan of failure analysis. Even if the person initially has a wrong idea, working through the whole situation usually clarifies that a lot, and may put them on a more productive track.

Take the starting example: people are calling you and you feel uncomfortable about that. So you could stop them from calling you, or you could try to change your feelings. Do you want to have more people around? If so, feeling anxious is a barrier that needs to be removed. If not, having people pester you is the problem that needs to be reduced. Another issue cited was that people were boring. Do you know any people who are not boring? If yes, be around them instead. If no, do you want to know some interesting people? If yes, think of places where there might be interesting people and try to meet some. If no, there is not a shortage of something you actually want so it's not a problem.

Faulty preconceptions will fuck up your problem analysis and solving process every time. Keeping an open mind makes it easier to figure out what is going on and look at all the different things you could do, so as to decide which will yield the best result.

That sounds like a viable solution. There are assertiveness classes too, which might damp down the feelings of obligation that feed into the anxiety.

>> Assertiveness Training has been a godsend to me <<

Thanks for sharing. Some useful links ...

20 Ways to Say No
50 Ways to Say No

I have no difficulty refusing things, but having polite stock phrases for that is very useful.

>>And, above and beyond that, a person should read "Bartleby the Scrivener".<<

Gods, I hated reading that story. Standout on my list of boring stories. But hey, another haggis shortage averted! Looking back on it, the way Bartleby gradually withdrew from everything makes me think of depression. But it does work as passive resistance too. You have to guard your boundaries or people will eat you alive.