Poem: "An Equation for Conscience"

This poem came out of the May 6, 2014 Poetry Fishbowl.  It was inspired by prompts from ng_moonmoth and technoshaman.  It has been sponsored by ng_moonmoth.  This poem belongs to the series Polychrome Heroics.

Maze

Dark comes early in winter,
throwing blue shadows over white snow
even though it's barely into evening.

Campus gleams with golden lights
in the windows of the buildings,
everyone busy after winter break.

I make my patrol slowly and carefully,
alert for trouble, my mask and costume
tucked in my backpack in case
something goes wrong and I need them.

I'm walking past the front of the
Barton Chemistry Building
when something goes KABOOM

and it is Ham's turn now.

Ham

I fling on my costume as I run.
Skidding on ice, I rush up the stairs
and shove the doors open.

There's no doubt about where
the explosion came from,
not with clouds of something
pouring out of the lab,
smoke or dust or who-knows-what.

I'm all ready to yell at Farce
or Miss Mixit and Mr. Whiz,
but they aren't there.

I stop, startled, because
there's only one normal-looking girl
and she already has the fire extinguisher
properly aimed at the base of the flames.

The fire goes out before
I can even get across the room.

Well, that's a bit of a letdown.
I thought I was needed here,
but maybe I'm not after all.

Clarity

I slip forward as Ham's grip slackens,
already scanning the room for clues.

From the jumble of instruments
I conclude that an experiment in progress
has gone horribly wrong somehow.

The girl's mind is a storm
of thoughts and emotions
battering at my inner shields --
I know that her name is
Adhita Chaturvedi and she's
a chemistry graduate working as
a teaching assistant to pay her way.

"Hi," I say.  "I heard the noise.
Is there anything I can do to help?"

She looks at me, her silky black hair
coming loose from its neat bun,
tear streaks smearing the white dust
that clings to her brown skin.

"I don't think anything will help,"
Adhita says.  "This is a disaster!"

"Why don't you tell me about it?"
I coax.  "Maybe we can think of something."

"It's the new fertilizer that Dr. Kohler invented,"
Adhita explains.  "He claims that it's safe,
but it's not, it hasn't been tested nearly enough.
I think he's falsifying data to get more grant money."

I look around at the powdery residue
and the burned part of the lab bench.
"It looks like you're right about the safety concerns."

"I've been with Dr. Kohler for over three years,"
Adhita says.  "I'm supposed to graduate in spring,
but if this gets out -- if he knows I'm the one who --
I don't think I'll make it, he'll shoot me down somehow."

"He'll have a hard time doing that if
he loses his job for fraudulent grant applications,"
I point out, waving a hand at the mess.
"All you have to do is demonstrate
how hazardous this stuff is."

"That's just the problem," she wails.
"I can't duplicate my results!
I've gotten three reactions --
I wasn't expecting this one to be so huge --
but all under different circumstances.
I know there's a pattern but I can't find it."

"Well, I'm no chemist, so I can't help you there,"
I admit.  "What do you think will happen
if you don't say anything?"

"A lot of people could get hurt,"
Adhita says, sniffling.  "But it's more than that.
Dr. Kohler is practicing bad science.
Every time somebody does that,
it makes people distrust scientists in general.
It's not just grant fraud, it's an attack
on what science even means."

"That sounds pretty important to you,"
I say, hoping to lead her to the right decision.

"It is, I just, I don't know what to do,"
she says.  "Do you happen to know
an equation for conscience?"

"I'm afraid not," I say,
and she bursts out crying.

I can't say I blame her,
after the explosion itself and now
the added stress that the implications
place on her own education,
but I'm better at figuring out problems
than handling hard emotions.

Keane nudges at me,
and I gladly get out of the way.

Keane

"Come on," I say,
putting a gentle hand
on Adhita's shoulder.
"Let me walk you to the
Student Health Center.
You can rinse off that gunk there,
and I know a guy who's really good
at talking out ethical dilemmas."

"Really?" she asks,
leaning into me a little.

"Really," I say.  "His name's Jason.
He has helped me with a lot of
personal shit this year."

She lets me lead her outside,
down the slippery steps
where nobody's bothered
to throw down any salt because
the school claims to be broke.

Yeah, I've seen the car
that the Dean drives.
I'm not fooled.

"What about the lab?"
Adhita asks as we walk.

"We can call in what happened,"
I say.  "It's probably not safe in there.
Staying wouldn't be a good idea."

She nods.  "It's not a strong poison,
but it's not really good for you either."
Then she sighs.  "I'm scared."

I wrap an arm around her.
"Of course you are," I say.
I can feel the ache of fear
and sorrow all through her.
"Lab accidents are scary.
Supervisors can be scary too!"

"I'm afraid that Dr. Kohler
will get me expelled or something,"
Adhita says, shivering.
"He doesn't take bad news well."

"He might try," I say.
I skim off just the top of her misery,
so she won't feel crushed by it,
but not enough to be conspicuous.
"You'll have other people
to back up your claims, though."

"I'm not even sure I want to tell,"
Adhita says in a low voice.

"That's okay," I assure her.
"You don't have to decide tonight.
In fact, it's probably good if you don't.
It's not smart to make major decisions
when you're all shaken up like this.
Calm down, sleep on it, and then
think about this again in the morning."

"All right," she says.
"I think I can do that."

When we arrive at
the Student Health Center,
I give her Jason's office number
and watch to make sure that
she gets safely inside the doors.

Then I turn and walk
back the way we came.
I still have a quarter
of the patrol to finish.

* * *

Notes:

The Barton Chemistry Building is named for Jacqueline K. Barton, one of the important women in chemistry.

Jumping to conclusions is a logical fallacy and a type of distorted thinking.  Learn to avoid jumping to conclusions.  Ham is responding to a current situation based on past experience rather than prejudice, so it's not without reason; but it still leads to a wrong guess based on insufficient information.

Lab safety includes knowing how to handle lab fires and fire extinguishers.

Upset people tend to broadcast their thoughts and feelings.  This is one reason why people with telepathy and/or empathy need to learn shielding and other protection techniques.  Repeating your name or other focus is a good coping skill in times of stress.  This student is probably thinking something like, "My name is Adhita Chaturvedi.  I'm a chemist and I know how to deal with a lab fire."  Very loudly.

Fertilizers are notorious for causing explosions.  Chasing the money in science can impair both safety and quality.

One aspect of scientific method relies on replicable results.  However, taking that expectation too far can cause problems.  An issue is often spotted long before it can be proved, and mixed results can be caused by variables which have not yet been isolated.  If there's a safety concern, protect first, then refine the data.

Attacks on science tend to undermine trust in science and thereby reduce everyone's quality of life.  If society lacks a trustworthy foundation, people may hesitate in a crisis even if they know what to do.

Following your conscience is a basic part of trustworthiness.  You need to understand personal ethics and develop your own code, such as this one. Risk-benefit is one valid equation in ethical decision-making.  Know how to make an ethical decision in your everyday life.  Organizations can also establish an environment that supports moral courage.

Whistleblowers take tremendous risks and usually see poor results for their heroic efforts to reveal wrongdoing.  They need better protections.  Remember that you get what you reward.  If you protect troublemakers and attack whistleblowers, then you will get more problems and fewer solutions.  For this reason some whistleblowers seek to protect their privacy.

Emotional first aid is as important as physical first aid.  The goals are the same: treat current problems, prevent any more things from going wrong, stabilize the victim, and seek expert care for anything more than minor.  There are simple and more detailed instructions for emotional first aid.

Talking with a counselor or other support person can help resolve an ethical dilemma.  A good helper will walk you through the steps of responsible decision-making without making the decision for you.  A concern in teaching is how much help to give.  Make sure the person understands how to do the work, but don't do it for them.  That means with young people, you may need to tell them what to do, until they are old enough to start asking why; then teach them good guiding principles and support them as they learn to make their own decisions (and mistakes).

Making wise decisions includes knowing what not to do.  Avoid making major decisions while angry or otherwise stressed.  Don't rush or make permanent decisions based on temporary emotions.  Instead, sleep on it and make calm decisions later.