Chronic Lateness

>> huh, I tend to be the opposite, chronically early [which really, apart from wasting my time isn't a problem .] As such, not in a position to comment much. <<

That can still be an effect of difficulty with task estimation or time management. It usually evolves as an exaggerated coping skill.

Frex, I tend to turn in work early, because I hate doing things at the last minute. I know that I procrastinate (and that I bend time and break machinery) so I pad my deadlines. Sometimes I get things done on time, but often early. In my case, it turns a disadvantage into an advantage.

>> Although, glad that you mentioned people doing weird things to space/time... I thought that was just me. [yay, not alone!] <<

You're not alone. It's common among magical people, and especially so for the fey. Some can learn to control it at least partially, others not so much. It's useful to be able to extend or contract time at will.

I once walked into a room with three timepieces in it, all running together. Very shortly, they all read differently -- and none of them agreed with my poor wristwatch.

This kind of thing is partly why I got into studying quantum mechanics. I can't do the math, but the parts that are in words make perfect sense to me and are often useful.

>> I had a friend who was *chronically* late. Every. Single. Time. Usually 20 minutes late, which was easy enough to compensate for, but you just couldn't be sure. <<

Many people have a consistent factor to their lateness, although not all do. Some will usually be late by the same amount of time, or it will take them half again as long to do something as they think it will. That makes it easier to compensate. Random factors are much harder to cope with.

>> And the really hard part was that being late put her in a terrible mood and she just had to some up with some reason to be angry at me. It was like if she could make it in some way my fault, she felt better. With the result being that I didn't just have to be inconvenienced, I had to be in the wrong as well. <<

This is a typical pattern that emerges from chronic lateness:
* Someone is usually or always late.
* This makes other people criticize them.
* Which makes them go on the defensive.
* So they either tell themselves they don't care, or they make preemptive attacks.
* Which makes people not want to be around them.

It's a case where knowing that someone has a disability, and what it is, and why it is like that, can make all the difference in the world. It is not okay to hassle people for something their body just can't do. Sometimes you can learn to work around it, especially if part of the problem is caused by missing skills.

Other times you just have to say, "I've got this limitation and it requires such-and-such accommodation." It's an inconvenience to work with someone who can't hit a smaller target than "Tuesday" but it's better than destroying their whole life. I think our society is so rule-obsessed and thought-averse that it would take invoking the disability act to get accommodations in a lot of cases.

>> She got worse over time <<

That makes me wonder if it's brain-related. Some physical conditions do degenerate over time. Something that's simply a bad habit might also get worse, but usually, people see at least gradual improvement in skills they use (or try to use) all the time, even in their worst areas.

>> That was the last straw. I haven't worked with her since, and I won't. If it wasn't for having to make it my fault all the time I could have dealt with the rest of it. <<

Yeah, I wouldn't have the patience for that either. But it's a case where, even if the lateness couldn't be fixed, the displaced emotional mayhem could probably be improved by better headskills.

I've also heard "double it, then add 10%."

>> I have got the lateness problem now, and otther problems discussed in the article, very badly. I'd like to hear about an online support group for this. <<

It seems like the kind of problem that would respond well to a support group. People could commiserate with others who sympathize, and share possible solutions to try. I don't know of such a group though. Maybe you could start one? Look for people with that issue in other venues, and try to pull them together?

>> I can still come out with some very organized results, and in the past I'd organized groups of workers. But now I can onlly do one project of my own at a time, and for a short time: then I'm fried on that and have to work on something else (after dropping everything for a while). <<

I tend to swap around between different projects.

>> But when gets my goat is when I'm teased about being late to a rehearsal by people who either work regular 9-5 jobs or who are retired. <<

I have little patience for that.

>> They also don't understand what a sacrifice that is; all they see is "gosh, she's self-employed, she gets to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants." <<

I have that problem with service calls. People don't seem to understand that if I get up early, my brain doesn't kick on and I lose a whole day of work, not just the hour they're fixing something in the house. Just because I'm home doesn't necessarily mean I'm available. So we usually give people a time window of acceptable hours, unless it's an emergency.

>> I had to get really aggressive about it to my soon-to-be-ex-employer, who just loved to overwork and overschedule their part-time staff. <<

That's something I hate about modern employment: the shift to random work schedules is ruinous to society. You need a job to survive, but your job can destroy your reliability and self-respect.

>> it's hard to know rule out, say, a lack of self-discipline <<

I'd look for self-discipline in other areas, and check to see what methods of time management the person has tried. If their whole life is a mess, and if they haven't really tried anything to fix the lateness, it's probably a personal flaw. But if they've tried things -- if they can say, yes, I have a calendar and a phone alarm and I always leave early -- and none of that has helped, then I'd suspect a deeper problem.

>> If it seems to be a serious issue I learn to plan around that person's lateness--giving them a meeting time 30 minutes earlier than when I actually plan to get there, and that they will to. <<

As an editor, I always pad the deadlines I give to writers.

You make a good point that other health conditions can play into this.

>> Whenever possible, as I can see my timing go off the critical path, I let the folks know my new time estimate, so they can compensate for it. I've found that helps me keep calmer about my lateness, and reduces anxiety on the other end, too. <<

I agree, that's very helpful.

It drives me nuts when someone gives a time estimate, like "ten minutes," and then after that's up, they say the same thing again. I've learned to translate that as them having no idea how long it will take, and I just ignore them and go meet my own needs elsewhere.

That's often true. However, I've found that explanation is usually applicable to limited situations: at school, at work, in a relationship, but rarely a person's whole life. It can be a pervasive tactic, just not often. They're more likely to use it in a certain area of their life that they hate, although a passive-aggressive person may pull out any of their tactics at need.