Elizabeth Barrette (ysabetwordsmith) wrote,
Elizabeth Barrette
ysabetwordsmith
  • Mood: busy

Sharing, Or Not

Here's a post about sharing vs. privacy in friendships.

In my observation, some people have a strong need for sharing in friendships and other intimate relationships.  That is how they build  connections, and without it, nothing works for them.

Some people have a strong need for privacy.  They share based on common interests, or if they think the other person could help solve a challenge.  They connect by doing things together or discussing mutually favorite topics.  They don't use sharing as a primary means of connection, and may feel that other people are prying if there is pressure to share more than they want to.  (I'm in this group.)

Some people start out one way and shift over time.  But I don't see it happening a lot.  

Mixed relationships across this boundary are difficult to create and maintain.  And if one person shifts but the other doesn't, usually the relationship breaks.  Some people are worth the effort, though.  Both styles are okay for people who like that sort of thing, and it's not okay to nag someone to be something they're not.

This is why most of my friends are either guys, or girls who don't do much girltalk.  I cannot abide girltalk and all the shaaaaring.
Tags: family skills, gender studies, networking
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  • 2 comments
cat_sanctuary

cat_sanctuary

August 3 2012, 14:39:04 UTC 8 years ago

Often the shaaaring is just plain boooring. Pick pick pick over "I hate my job but I'm not looking for another one" or "He treats me like dirt but I'm still in luuuv with him." Whereas women whose lives are interesting don't have time to go into that stuff!
ysabetwordsmith

Yes...

ysabetwordsmith

August 3 2012, 20:22:13 UTC 8 years ago

I find personal trivia boring, and more momentous personal details are often oversharing for me. Now if someone's deep personal secrets and challenges fall within my sphere of influence -- say, if they're questioning their sexual identity in some way -- that I can deal with.

But this raises another distinction that's crucial in relationships:

1) Some people talk, all the time, about a random stream of minor and major stuff; and they want someone to listen to all of that as an affirmation of their presence and relevance. They feel bad if someone tunes them out, because it makes them seem unwanted.

2) Some people talk for the purpose of interaction, or to give shape to their ideas by putting them into words. The point of the talking is primarily the talking itself. They feel bad if someone cuts the conversation short, because that's stifling or otherwise frustrating.

3) Some people talk for the purpose of conveying information, or resolving a challenge. The point of the talking is to do something. They feel bad if people ask for advice but don't take it, or blather on and on, because that wastes their time.

You can see how these modes of communication do not get along swimmingly with each other. As with other divergences, sometimes it's worth working through, but understand that such will require extra effort.

I primarily talk to do things, although there are time when I'll talk to unpack ideas or blather about something I think is awesome. But most of the time, I'm focused on the end goal, not the process. I can serve as an excellent sounding board for unpacking ideas, if I know that's what is wanted; but I'm not always adept at identifying such occasions if they're not explicitly requested as such, and it's not always easy to realize that what one needs is indeed a sounding board. So that's an opportunity for mutual frustration.

Understand your style and your friends' styles, because things don't always mean the same to different people.