busyEmotional & Psychological Closeness
Whereas sex creates a physical basis for intimacy, other actions can create an emotional and psychological basis. Some of these typically appear near the beginning of a relationship, to deepen it, while others appear later to demonstrate how close the two people have already come. Emotional and psychological connections are particularly helpful for restoring a damaged relationship.
Sharing secrets. This especially applies to talking about personal issues that aren't widely known. An exchange of secrets is a common ritual between "best friends" among girls and women, but appears elsewhere as well. Some things are only discussed among people with a common reference; veterans may be more comfortable discussing war memories with each other than civilians.
Ordering for someone in a restaurant. Acquiring food, without asking the other person what to get, shows a knowledge of their needs and desires. Providing food is also a gesture of support and sustenance.
Providing moral support at a major event. Helping someone get through a funeral, a trial, or other intense but not crisis situation is usually performed by a very dear friend. This is a situation where lovers or family members may be too close to the matter to be much use.
Crying on someone. When you cry, you tend to let your guard down. Most of the people close to you will see you cry at some point, so that can be a milestone in a relationship. Actually crying on someone, letting them hold you, is even more intimate.
Serving in a primary role for someone during a wedding. This includes the best man or maid of honor at a wedding, or stand-in for absent parents, etc. as well as the traditional family roles. One aspect of intimacy is sharing each other's lives, including ceremonies and transitions.
Comforting someone after a bad breakup. Moments of great vulnerability can bring people closer. While this role sometimes falls to family, breakup repair more often goes to a woman's female friends or a man's male friends.
Gazing into each other's eyes. Sustained eye contact is one of the best ways to make a conscious connection between people, hence the saying, "The eyes are the windows of the soul." It happens most often between lovers, or parent and child, but can be used for any kind of partner bonding.
Listening to someone's heartbeat or breathing. Close body contact, enough to carry soft personal sounds, tends to be comforting as well as connecting, as it touches on positive childhood memories for most people. It is shared between parent and child, sometimes between siblings, and later between lovers. Tight nonsexual partners may also do this.
October 29 2013, 01:23:35 UTC 7 years ago
Like, that can be really sweet, especially if it has been previously discussed whether it's okay to do that.
But, it can also be really controlling and creepy. Or somewhat infantalizing and dismissive. Which, in a work of fiction, can be interesting to play with of course. As can any dynamic where you show that somebody is creepy by having them do intimate things inappropriately.
But I feel like, of the things listed here, this one is especially problematic since it's something that a lot of people are actually never okay with a partner doing.
Well...
October 29 2013, 01:35:08 UTC 7 years ago
Another boundary map is the division between things that are always, sometimes, or never okay. This also varies among people.
Trespassing boundaries against someone's will isn't intimacy, it's violation. It doesn't matter so much what the action is, as whether the people involved are all comfortable with it. If one person is crossing a line that the other person doesn't want them to cross, that's not okay -- even if it's something as casual as a handshake. If everyone is okay with it, then it's fine, even if it involves really deep contact.
>> As can any dynamic where you show that somebody is creepy by having them do intimate things inappropriately. <<
Yes. One of my favorite examples of such creepiness was in "Heroes" where they had a villain with healing powers. He just hauled off and erased someone's disability, not only without asking, but without even mentioning it. Went by in a split second, so a lot of viewers wouldn't even realize how violating it was. But to someone familiar with magical ethics and disability rights, ZOMGWTFBBQ somebody please kill this creep now. I honestly found him creepier than the serial killer.