thoughtfulI can think of a few books with romantic plotlines where something other than a misunderstanding played a major role. Shards of Honor, for instance, featured a star-spanning culture clash erupting into warfare. Some other possible conflicts:
* The characters were raised so differently that it creates many differences in how they do everyday things, so that they have a hard time fitting together.
* The characters hold deeply opposed religious/political/other views that spark interpersonal disputes and make their relatives uncomfortable, and which cannot easily be abandoned.
* The characters live far apart. It is difficult for them to spend time together, even though they both want to.
* The characters live in a context where extreme social disapproval makes it difficult or even dangerous for them to be together, which will continue as long as they are in a relationship. Or even alive, for some cases.
* The characters don't have a language in common. One or both will have to learn a new language, which for most people is exhaustive and frustrating.
* There is an inherent physical risk to them being together, especially in a sexual way. This is most prevalent in speculative fiction with a vampiric or lycanthropic or alien partner but there are other possibilities.
* The characters have opposing professions, which they are unwilling or unable to change.
* One character wants children and the other does not (or cannot have them). No matter how much they love each other, they want fundamentally different things from life in that regard.
* One character is handicapped. The other is not used to working around that and feels uncomfortable.
Once in a while, I see one of those other factors played as the prevailing conflict that the characters must come to terms with before affirming their relationship. Most of the time, though, even when these very big issues are on the board -- these things that frequently lead to breakups -- they are usually overshadowed by Misunderstanding #1, as if love solves everything. It doesn't. It really, really doesn't. It can make you determined to solve everything, but that's a different story.
That's a different story, and that's the kind I want to read, and write myself.
One of the other things that got me thinking about this was the planned relationship between Fala and Rai in Torn World. She's Northern, he's Southern; relationships are strained between those cultures, but they can't easily ignore each other anymore. Their everyday lives are so different as to have almost no overlap. Social support for the relationship is variable; some of their relatives are okay with it, but the expectations are so wildly different that even "support" can spark outbursts. Their homes are very far apart; they have to figure out where or when they could be together and whether they can stand to separate sometimes. At the time they meet, they are both handicapped: Rai was born blind, and Fala lost her legs in a wilderness accident. It doesn't help that he's relatively comfortable with his handicap and she isn't with hers yet. Their languages share a common root (Ancient) but have evolved differently for Fala (Northern) and Rai (Southern). The grammar and function words are similar, but a lot of the content words are very different. That puts a drag on the conversation. They're lucky that both of them are smart, fast learners -- and Rai has a stupendous memory.
Do they love each other? Once they get over some initial awkwardness, yes, they both understand that part just fine. It doesn't help much with problem-solving. It just keeps them in a place where they need to solve those problems. Sort of like the difference between holding someone over a fire vs. giving them a fire extinguisher.
Re: Real life is stranger than fiction...
March 9 2010, 16:26:46 UTC 11 years ago
Because differences offer challenge and opportunity to grow; some people enjoy that.
In my experience, the strongest relationships are those with enough common ground to stand on, and enough differences to counterbalance strengths and weaknesses while keeping people interested. The exact proportions of that will vary from one relationship to another. Some people hold out for a really close match; others have wider parameters.
Re: Real life is stranger than fiction...
March 9 2010, 19:45:47 UTC 11 years ago
I think counterbalancing strengths and weaknesses is an entirely different issue.
I'm not sure how the differences offering a challenge and opportunity to grow would apply to the situation posited above: having a relationship with someone "who was equally committed to their own faith, if said faith insisted that (for example) I was going to Hell. Likewise for issues of sexuality and gender roles."
I don't think it's healthy at all to compromise your most fundamental views by tolerating them in someone close to you, or to marry someone who finds an aspect of you repugnant.
Re: Real life is stranger than fiction...
March 9 2010, 22:05:36 UTC 11 years ago
I've known some of each.
>>I'm not sure how the differences offering a challenge and opportunity to grow would apply to the situation posited above: having a relationship with someone "who was equally committed to their own faith, if said faith insisted that (for example) I was going to Hell. Likewise for issues of sexuality and gender roles."<<
That particular example may well be insurmountable. On the other hoof, not everyone is permanently anchored in their birth religion; some people are immobile on that, while others are not. Someone might fall in love with a person who introduces new spiritual options, and one of those new options might appeal more than the previous.
>> I don't think it's healthy at all to compromise your most fundamental views by tolerating them in someone close to you, or to marry someone who finds an aspect of you repugnant.<<
The closer something is to your core identity, the more important it becomes in mate selection. Tolerating differences is an important family skill, but marrying someone who hates a part of you is likely to be damaging to both parties. You have to consider the importance of the issue compared to the importance of the relationship. For one person, religion might be their core identity, for another sexuality, for another profession, and so forth.
Heck, sometimes there is an ingrained feature that you don't want there, like if you hate the culture you grew up in, but it's hard to get rid of. Then you might look for someone who is totally different from your parents and doesn't act like them at all. Maybe you think your family was abusive and dysfunctional, so you don't want to repeat that. This desire does not magically give you healthy family skills; those are hard for most people to acquire if you didn't grow up with them. If you're lucky, you'll find a partner who will be patient in helping you learn those skills. But you're still going to be rough on that partner until you do have such skills, and it's a process that never really ends.