thoughtfulI can think of a few books with romantic plotlines where something other than a misunderstanding played a major role. Shards of Honor, for instance, featured a star-spanning culture clash erupting into warfare. Some other possible conflicts:
* The characters were raised so differently that it creates many differences in how they do everyday things, so that they have a hard time fitting together.
* The characters hold deeply opposed religious/political/other views that spark interpersonal disputes and make their relatives uncomfortable, and which cannot easily be abandoned.
* The characters live far apart. It is difficult for them to spend time together, even though they both want to.
* The characters live in a context where extreme social disapproval makes it difficult or even dangerous for them to be together, which will continue as long as they are in a relationship. Or even alive, for some cases.
* The characters don't have a language in common. One or both will have to learn a new language, which for most people is exhaustive and frustrating.
* There is an inherent physical risk to them being together, especially in a sexual way. This is most prevalent in speculative fiction with a vampiric or lycanthropic or alien partner but there are other possibilities.
* The characters have opposing professions, which they are unwilling or unable to change.
* One character wants children and the other does not (or cannot have them). No matter how much they love each other, they want fundamentally different things from life in that regard.
* One character is handicapped. The other is not used to working around that and feels uncomfortable.
Once in a while, I see one of those other factors played as the prevailing conflict that the characters must come to terms with before affirming their relationship. Most of the time, though, even when these very big issues are on the board -- these things that frequently lead to breakups -- they are usually overshadowed by Misunderstanding #1, as if love solves everything. It doesn't. It really, really doesn't. It can make you determined to solve everything, but that's a different story.
That's a different story, and that's the kind I want to read, and write myself.
One of the other things that got me thinking about this was the planned relationship between Fala and Rai in Torn World. She's Northern, he's Southern; relationships are strained between those cultures, but they can't easily ignore each other anymore. Their everyday lives are so different as to have almost no overlap. Social support for the relationship is variable; some of their relatives are okay with it, but the expectations are so wildly different that even "support" can spark outbursts. Their homes are very far apart; they have to figure out where or when they could be together and whether they can stand to separate sometimes. At the time they meet, they are both handicapped: Rai was born blind, and Fala lost her legs in a wilderness accident. It doesn't help that he's relatively comfortable with his handicap and she isn't with hers yet. Their languages share a common root (Ancient) but have evolved differently for Fala (Northern) and Rai (Southern). The grammar and function words are similar, but a lot of the content words are very different. That puts a drag on the conversation. They're lucky that both of them are smart, fast learners -- and Rai has a stupendous memory.
Do they love each other? Once they get over some initial awkwardness, yes, they both understand that part just fine. It doesn't help much with problem-solving. It just keeps them in a place where they need to solve those problems. Sort of like the difference between holding someone over a fire vs. giving them a fire extinguisher.
Thoughts
March 9 2010, 16:53:32 UTC 11 years ago
Yes. Some people are problem-solvers. In some relationships, that's an asset; in others it gets in the way. Sometimes both. Some people are good at solving certain types of problems, or don't consider a given issue to be a big deal, where it might be a huge obstacle for someone else.
>> (It's probably a general indication of local alignment, however, that your last one gets a universal "GET comfortable.")<<
Interesting local alignment! In my experience, some people can learn to deal with a disability (someone else's, or their own), some try and fail, some walk away. Some stay and are destroyed by it. That can be a very insidious way to die -- being in a situation where there's always more energy going out than coming in, a slow trickling decline until the person doesn't have enough left to fight off a disease or avoid an accident.
Major issues take energy to deal with. Some people have more energy than others; some things are cheap for one person but expensive for another, energy-wise. You have to keep an eye on the net balance of your relationships, to make sure they're not sucking all the life out of you ... and that you're not doing that to someone else.
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Re: Thoughts
March 9 2010, 22:37:30 UTC 11 years ago
It's not that dense for me, but I know enough people with various physical or mental limitations -- plus my own -- to be aware of some of the issues.
>> So it's the one area where there's a little less sympathy for not figuring out how to handle it, especially if you're writing in a modern or similar-to-modern context. <<
I think that depends on the culture or subculture, or even family. Some places, people really do not give a shit about accessibility and other reasonable accommodations and plain human decency; one can be quite callous to disabled persons in that context without getting so much as a frown from bystanders. Other places are a lot more determined to support people in functioning within society, with much higher expectations of accommodation and manners. I've seen a wide range.
>> One of the fallacies involved is the idea that as a disabled individual's partner, their disability becomes Yours To Solve, and that you must devote all your energy to helping them and looking after them. <<
I think my perspective is more about how you deal with how someone's disability affects you or how your behavior interfaces with it. Unless it's a new disability (which is hard on everyone) the other person should already know what they need and how to cope. But when you're not used to having to think about that stuff yourself, and suddenly you do, that's an issue. Some people deal with it a lot better than others.
Frex, if you are very shy and you start dating a person in a wheelchair, people are likely to stare at you and that may make you mildly uncomfortable ... or totally panicked. If your favorite restaurant isn't wheelchair-accessible, you can't easily go there on a date together; you have to choose between eating somewhere else, dating someone else, or finding some folks to maneuver your date up the steps. If your partner's health isn't good, and dealing with health issues is exhausting and stressful for you, that's likely to burn up a lot of your energy. But it's not your job to "fix everything" and there's a rather delicate little dance to learn about when you're supposed to help and when you're not. Some people are really good at that; some never get it; most can at least learn Basic Step #1: "Wait until you're asked to help."
Different example, blindness. If you're used to leaving stuff all over the place instead of being tidy, that could cause problems for your blind friend, who may trip over junk on the floor or not be able to find things that haven't been put away. Maybe you can learn to be tidy; maybe you try and fail; maybe you decide that you can't stand living where things really need to be organized. If you hate driving and you're used to being driven around by your romantic partner, and this one doesn't drive, then you have to work around that. Maybe you walk, or take public transportation, or carpool with other friends, or grit your teeth and do the driving yourself. You've got options, if you have the time and energy and resources to use them. If not, you may be in trouble. Your partner's vision isn't your responsibility, but how you respond to their limitations is.
Any relationship is an intersection between the wants and needs of 2+ people. Sometimes it's easy to work things out, but usually there's a fair amount of jockeying around as you try to figure out what each of you absolutely requires and what is stuff that you would prefer to have one way but are capable of doing some other way if needs must. American culture tends to suck at distinguishing wants from needs. (I think this is a prime cause of relationship failure.) You have to look for ways that you can be happy together, because if both people aren't enjoying the relationship then it's not likely to last (and isn't healthy while it does). It really helps to think outside the box and look for things you haven't tried before. Sometimes you can find solutions where you didn't think it would be possible. Other times not; that's life.