thoughtfulI can think of a few books with romantic plotlines where something other than a misunderstanding played a major role. Shards of Honor, for instance, featured a star-spanning culture clash erupting into warfare. Some other possible conflicts:
* The characters were raised so differently that it creates many differences in how they do everyday things, so that they have a hard time fitting together.
* The characters hold deeply opposed religious/political/other views that spark interpersonal disputes and make their relatives uncomfortable, and which cannot easily be abandoned.
* The characters live far apart. It is difficult for them to spend time together, even though they both want to.
* The characters live in a context where extreme social disapproval makes it difficult or even dangerous for them to be together, which will continue as long as they are in a relationship. Or even alive, for some cases.
* The characters don't have a language in common. One or both will have to learn a new language, which for most people is exhaustive and frustrating.
* There is an inherent physical risk to them being together, especially in a sexual way. This is most prevalent in speculative fiction with a vampiric or lycanthropic or alien partner but there are other possibilities.
* The characters have opposing professions, which they are unwilling or unable to change.
* One character wants children and the other does not (or cannot have them). No matter how much they love each other, they want fundamentally different things from life in that regard.
* One character is handicapped. The other is not used to working around that and feels uncomfortable.
Once in a while, I see one of those other factors played as the prevailing conflict that the characters must come to terms with before affirming their relationship. Most of the time, though, even when these very big issues are on the board -- these things that frequently lead to breakups -- they are usually overshadowed by Misunderstanding #1, as if love solves everything. It doesn't. It really, really doesn't. It can make you determined to solve everything, but that's a different story.
That's a different story, and that's the kind I want to read, and write myself.
One of the other things that got me thinking about this was the planned relationship between Fala and Rai in Torn World. She's Northern, he's Southern; relationships are strained between those cultures, but they can't easily ignore each other anymore. Their everyday lives are so different as to have almost no overlap. Social support for the relationship is variable; some of their relatives are okay with it, but the expectations are so wildly different that even "support" can spark outbursts. Their homes are very far apart; they have to figure out where or when they could be together and whether they can stand to separate sometimes. At the time they meet, they are both handicapped: Rai was born blind, and Fala lost her legs in a wilderness accident. It doesn't help that he's relatively comfortable with his handicap and she isn't with hers yet. Their languages share a common root (Ancient) but have evolved differently for Fala (Northern) and Rai (Southern). The grammar and function words are similar, but a lot of the content words are very different. That puts a drag on the conversation. They're lucky that both of them are smart, fast learners -- and Rai has a stupendous memory.
Do they love each other? Once they get over some initial awkwardness, yes, they both understand that part just fine. It doesn't help much with problem-solving. It just keeps them in a place where they need to solve those problems. Sort of like the difference between holding someone over a fire vs. giving them a fire extinguisher.
Real life is stranger than fiction...
March 8 2010, 18:09:30 UTC 11 years ago Edited: March 8 2010, 18:10:17 UTC
Your first two points are the reasons my former husband quotes as the reason that we *had* to divorce.
Biggest bullshit in the world, IMO, if two people are committed to a loving relationship, willing to compromise and make it work. Challenges? Certainly, but not insurmountable ones.
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Re: Real life is stranger than fiction...
March 8 2010, 18:24:35 UTC 11 years ago
The disparities of different cultural backgrounds and political beliefs we had and he knew *BEFORE* I moved in with him and 4 years later, got married...for only 2 years before he decided unilaterally (and didn't tell me for 4 months) that we were gonna split up.
He just was into the chase and the NRE and couldn't/wouldn't adapt and compromise (which admittedly is harder to do at middle-age but NOT impossible!)
I could go on and on, and quote how shocked and pissed off all our friends are at his lack of honor and dishonesty, but there's no point.
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Re: Real life is stranger than fiction...
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Re: Real life is stranger than fiction...
March 8 2010, 23:06:43 UTC 11 years ago
Re: Real life is stranger than fiction...
March 9 2010, 16:26:46 UTC 11 years ago
Because differences offer challenge and opportunity to grow; some people enjoy that.
In my experience, the strongest relationships are those with enough common ground to stand on, and enough differences to counterbalance strengths and weaknesses while keeping people interested. The exact proportions of that will vary from one relationship to another. Some people hold out for a really close match; others have wider parameters.
Re: Real life is stranger than fiction...
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Re: Real life is stranger than fiction...
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Re: Real life is stranger than fiction...
March 8 2010, 18:18:56 UTC 11 years ago
Re: Real life is stranger than fiction...
March 8 2010, 18:25:31 UTC 11 years ago Edited: March 8 2010, 18:25:53 UTC
Re: Real life is stranger than fiction...
March 8 2010, 18:33:19 UTC 11 years ago
Re: Real life is stranger than fiction...
11 years ago
Re: Real life is stranger than fiction...
March 8 2010, 19:02:29 UTC 11 years ago
Or like Charlotte Bronte one can rewrite the real-life failure to a fictional success - I like her style :)
Re: Real life is stranger than fiction...
March 8 2010, 19:11:42 UTC 11 years ago
Re: Real life is stranger than fiction...
March 9 2010, 16:21:16 UTC 11 years ago
Some people are more willing than others to make significant life changes. Some people have more skills, or are better at them. If someone is willing, they might not be able; sometimes people try and fail -- in love, as in so many other things.
Some problems are bigger than others, or harder to get away from. Some relationships just have one or a few challenges; others have many. Lovers might solve two or five or eight, and fall through from sheer exhaustion. (That's not an accident; society counts on it in certain cases.) Even a single problem is like mountain climbing; it may be within or beyond the ability of a given couple to surmount. Most people can get over a hill. Many can climb a small mountain. Some can go farther. But almost nobody can scale Mt. Everest.
Simply being in love doesn't magically give you the skills to solve your problems. It gives you energy and determination, which you can apply towards using your skills and/or acquiring new ones. Sometimes that's enough; sometimes it's not. Sometimes one person burns out on it before the other does, which can be maddening.
*hugs* I know this is a really touchy issue for you right now. Thanks for chiming in.
Re: Real life is stranger than fiction...
March 9 2010, 16:39:56 UTC 11 years ago
And I'm really ok; did all my venting and angsting and mourning right precisely where he could see it so he'd understand fully, on all levels, the ramifications of his decision.
IF I ever do this again...well, it'll be awhile. Anybody who doesn't think that it takes 2 full years to get over a relationship doesn't have a clue.
Starting completely over again at 55 ain't easy, but that's what I must and will do.
Re: Real life is stranger than fiction...
March 9 2010, 22:12:50 UTC 11 years ago
It depends on the relationship. I usually estimate at least a year before a bad breakup or bereavement ceases to be a prevailing thought. Sometimes it doesn't take that long, if the relationship was less important; sometimes it takes longer. Americans tend to underestimate the ripples, badly -- they want you to be fine in a few days or weeks. That almost never happens.
>> Starting completely over again at 55 ain't easy, but that's what I must and will do.<<
It's not easy at any age, and tends to get harder the older you get. *hugs*
Re: Real life is stranger than fiction...
March 9 2010, 22:47:13 UTC 11 years ago
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