From: ysabetwordsmith	Date: November 21st, 2007 10:47 pm (UTC)		(Link)

I have combined "after the dream, a sunny window" with the Burmese Climbing Rhyme to create "The Hero Awakens," a haunting tale of someone summoned to another world and then unceremoniously returned after the job was done.

Thanks for the Burmese lead! I love interlaced and repeating forms. Internal syllabic rhyme is one of the few things I find hard; oddly, this was easier for me than Welsh forms. Maybe it's just explained better. I'll have to copy all the forms on that page; they look promising.

	From: beckyzoole	Date: November 21st, 2007 10:54 pm (UTC)		(Link)

That rhyme scheme looks so beautiful, so different. It feels both extraterrestial and oddly familiar in an Old English sort of way.

	From: ysabetwordsmith	Date: November 22nd, 2007 01:00 am (UTC)		(Link)

The time loop and the pantoum obviously belonged together. I'm going to post the results here because I want to show you something else afterwards.


Saving the World Again
– a pantoum


Time to save the world. Crime mustn’t pay.
There are nights you wonder if it will.
Morning comes, the breaking of the day.
Criminals call it quits. You’re up still.

There are nights you wonder if it will
Be worth this, the fracas and the fray.
Criminals call it quits. You’re up still,
Striving to keep the grim tide at bay.

Be worth this, the fracas and the fray:
They are both your quarrel and your quill.
Striving to keep the grim tide at bay,
Hero, you will somehow find your fill.

They are both your quarrel and your quill,
These strange powers you bring into play.
Hero, you will somehow find your fill –
But for now, get going. Find some prey.

These strange powers you bring into play –
Someday they’ll release you from the mill,
But for now, get going. Find some prey.
No rest for the weary; that’s the drill.

Someday they’ll release you from the mill;
For now, just weigh the choices you weigh.
No rest for the weary; that’s the drill.
Starlight’s fading out. The sky is gray.

For now, just weigh the choices you weigh.
The work is done, and you are here still.
Starlight’s fading out. The sky is gray.
Beat the streets – no hero sleeps until

The work is done, and you are here still.
Time to save the world. Crime mustn’t pay.
Beat the streets – no hero sleeps until
Morning comes, the breaking of the day.


Now here's the interesting bit. I'm posting this for sake of the fishbowl, because it's all about writing poetry in public. That means you get to see the mistakes. I've been writing poetry for about 30 years, so I don't make mistakes often anymore -- but this time I painted myself into a corner. Look at the original ending for this poem:

1
2 No rest for the weary, that’s the drill:
3
4 Beat the streets – no hero sleeps until

1 No rest for the weary, that’s the drill:
2 Time to save the world. Crime mustn’t pay.
3 Beat the streets – no hero sleeps until
4 Morning comes, the breaking of the day.

Whoops. There's no way for Line 4 of the second-to-last verse to connect to Line 1 of the last verse. That Line 4 can't stand alone. I had written the last verse before the second-to-last verse (basically going from the first to the last) and it wouldn't hitch.

What I had to do to fix it was to wait for paint to dry, and walk myself out of the corner by moving Line 1 elsewhere and putting a new line in that position.